Dezzia collects and shares coupons from premium brands by leveraging social media.
We get the idea from a keen observation of coupon business in the technology crossroad.
Coupon business has probably existed as old as any kind of commerce. In old times, coupons were delivered to people’s doorstep in print, and the way to target was based on geography and mining of consumer behavior. Internet transformed coupon business. Coupons were delivered to people’s screen in digital format, and the way to target was based on search intention (SEO, PPC). With the emergence of social media, we believe that coupon business is up for another disruption. In the future, coupon will still be delivered in digital format, but the way to target is through networked individuals and groups. The power of social media is yet to be fully explored, and we are here to push the envelope towards a future we believe in.
Dezzia’s core technology is a “like gate” that locks the curated coupon code until customers “like” the coupon. When a customer unlocks a coupon, they broadcast the coupon to his/her friends. We believe that viral index of such a coupon deal is close to 1, so some deals can go viral and establish a large fan base for Dezzia.
We see the company evolve in three stages:
1. Establishes a large fan base by curating attractive coupons via social media
2. Negotiates with major brands for exclusive deals with the power of a large fan base
3. Helps small businesses to make more sales via coupons and establish a foothold in social media by extending Dezzia’s fan base
Check us out and find the latest coupons: www.dezzia.com
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A tourist in my hometown
I have been visiting my hometown for the past week. Something triggered me to revive this blog. I hope this revival lasts for some time. It is easy to say while I am in this vacation mode, and time will tell if I can hold myself to this challenge.
At least for me, blogging equals feeling. Sometimes, or most times, I am caught up with daily worries and feel nothing. That's why I stopped blogging. You know, what to talk about if I feel nothing? I am just not kind of person satisfied with blogging about routine facts. But something in this trip has changed me a bit. I do not know what. That's why I am writing this blog post and trying to sort this out as I write.
One of my old co-workers once told me that he did not feel stressed while working. Only when he took a vacation and experienced a different and relaxed state of mind, he realized how stressed out he was during working. I am in the same camp now. I like my life in Chicago, like my work, and like my daily routines. However, when I am wandering around the streets in my hometown and sip coffee and get a drink as I like, I feel I am liking it much more. For the first time, I am thinking about coming back to China, to work and to live.
This is not a tectonic change as you would image. It comes naturally to me without any warning. And I know I might never follow my words here in reality. Too hard to give up the stuff that I already have in America. If I give it up, then who am I? I might have one more identity crisis yet again. But just thinking about it gives me some comfort. At least in this land, it is my world. People really understand me, and lucky me, some people even look up to me. A sense of connectedness is strong.
I have low tolerance of being bored. Whenever I come home, I cannot stay long. It is hard to see how my folks live. Day in and day out, it is the same old stuff. At least in my family, none of the conversation is stimulating. My mom, my dad, my sister, all boring. My brother in law is more interesting, but he is usually not around. My niece is a force of nature and is the most interesting person in the household. For a while, I was worried that her creativity might be smothered in this boring household. Fortunately, my worry was misplaced. Either her resilience cut through all the bullshit, or the financial independence of my brother-in-law allows him to throw his counter weight and keep the whole family sane.
As I said, my little niece is a force of nature. I really enjoy playing with her. She is always laughing (laughing is a rare trait in my family, because everyone in my family has a depressive tendency) and full of creativity. She has a golden tongue and can say things out of ordinary. Yesterday we played a game (completely made us by us) called Shen Bi Ma Liang (a fictional figure in Chinese fable who draws so well that the drawing turns into life once finished). I will say something stupid like, "if i have a Ma Liang's magic pen, I will draw a panda on a television…." and then my niece will just make a story on the fly about a panda and a television. Once she finished the short story, she would laughed at herself, shouting, "well well well, it is all made up by me!"
She cheats in badminton matches. In the gazillion games we played, she never lost. She is diligently practicing her school dance and has a very strong urge to perform. She writing is very good and she can sing and dance. In her, I see a star from my family, more balanced than me probably, and definitely will live a happier life than I. I wish her the best. If somehow my brother-in-law's finance gets into trouble, I think I would love to pick up her education cost.
Anyway, have I ever talked about my brother-in-law? Probably not. He is a very interesting figure, and the main pillar in my family. Without him, I can imagine the sorry state my family would have been in: an old depressive couple, a sister with meager salary, a useless son overseas. Now at least someone has a good income and an independent mind to do things beyond the approval of my parents. He used to be a cook and quit 6 years ago after being a successful part time author. He writes novels for a website and gets money from pay-per-view. His income is very good, and I hope this can last a little while. He is a person of consumption: he bought a nice car, a luxury watch, spent money in bars and personal care. He was yelled at for doing so by my parents when he was a cook. Now his earning power has silenced them. I feel a bit sorry and a bit amused by my parents behavior there. Despite respect for my parents, I look down to them to be so single-minded about money and status.
Last night my brother-in-law took me out to a bar. This is one of my best nights here. It is a bar called Soho Bar. Six of us: three guys and three girls. Guys: my brother-in-law, his friend while he was a cook, and me. His friend went to the same elementary school and middle school with me. We were one grade apart and never knew each other. He is a force of nature as well: well dressed, well versed, good to the girls, like to make friends. Girls: All front desk girls from the hotel that my brother-in-law's restaurant affiliates with. We got there at 9:30pm, and everything has been set up. Piles of beers. We played a fun drinking game with dices: lots of bluffing and guessing, and fun to play with girls. The beer is weak, so we drank a lot. For me, it is a fun night out to see the social scene in my hometown. For them, it was a special occasion to see a rare "species" of overseas returnee. As the lights shining and music beaming, everything is a bit unreal. In the daytime, as I walked about the streets, people are making do with life: hauling vegetable, selling clothes, rushing to work, rushing to lunch, fixing road, building subway. Here it is a totally different world: people forget about worries of tomorrow and enjoy the night away.
I found one of the girls extremely attractive, for her look and her personality. She is petite with a great body, and she obviously knows about her natural endowment. She knows how to have a good time: sometimes she will burst into dance out of nowhere. She is quick in words and has very sharp tongue. She is also observant and knows how to take care of people. She saw me uncomfortable picking songs to sing, so she walked over and subtly encouraged me. I think I enjoy being around people who know how to have a good time. For me, it is a skill that I have never acquired. I know how to work hard, get things accomplished, delay gratification, and expect that nice things will always happen later. Somehow, I lost the ability to live in the present and enjoy the moment. Then, for once, when I am around the people opposite to me, it is a refreshing as if I want their charisma to shine through me and just take me away.
Deep down, I think there is another layer of admiration and respect. Growing up in Ningbo is not the easiest thing for kids. Most families are not well off, and pressures from school, parents and peers are like heavy mountains that can crush most people's back. In that environment, it is natural for people to always look out for the future and suffer the present. Either tomorrow will be better, or the sorry state of present is just how the life is. At least that's my big takeaway growing up here. But some people are just different: they somehow survived life's harshness and had a sense of irrational optimism. i do not know whether they are consciously making the choice toward happiness, or their nature of happiness pursuit is too resilient to put out. Either way, I found myself attracted to them and wanted to be with them. It is hard to tell whether it is a love attraction, or a platonic attraction for an intriguing human being. All I know is that I am, and will be, at my happiest with them.
So much about the bar night out. Now let me do some writing about my career future and then call an end to this blog post. What do I want to be in 5-10 years? It is a cliche question in interviews and I always have a cliche answer. But with the prospect of mid-life crisis looming, a cliche answer will not cut it. Let me reflect. People admire me because I have gone somewhere with my adventures. For them, going to study overseas is a risk; taking a consulting job after PhD is a risk, and going back to business school is a risk. I always fiddle and never satisfy, and that becomes a signature of my "success". Well, people, if you respect me for that, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, I take risks and try to be always on the move. However, these risks are so measured that they are not real risks. I know every step along the way that the downside of each move is falling back to the status quo, so no big deal if I fail. Moreover, every move I take is probably more about escaping the present than reaching for something new. From this perspective, all my changes are extremely conservative in nature, and somehow I just got lucky to weave together a life story as if I am on the driving seat. That's far from the truth. The truth is: I was driven by the current of life and somehow ended up in a nice place. Pretty lucky, isn't it?
Luck will run out sooner or later, and probably for my next career move. So what's next? To be sure, I have no intention to stay in my current finance company to be a VP or something. The work in operations and call center management is interesting, and I think I can hone my skills there. However, I want to do something more useful and meaningful, to me and to the people around me. More and more, I believe that my true calling is to do something of my choice, where I define my job responsibility and interact with smart people. Maybe I should look out for a startup that begins to establish a China office. I can be the employee No 1 in China. How exciting is that?! In fact, I just thought of this idea when I was typing, and it felt right. Maybe it is my life's calling. For once in my life, I am going to take a big risk. No more safety net. If I fail, then I fail. Big deal?!
I am sure that I will reconsider this decision in the coming days. But at the moment, it feels right.
At least for me, blogging equals feeling. Sometimes, or most times, I am caught up with daily worries and feel nothing. That's why I stopped blogging. You know, what to talk about if I feel nothing? I am just not kind of person satisfied with blogging about routine facts. But something in this trip has changed me a bit. I do not know what. That's why I am writing this blog post and trying to sort this out as I write.
One of my old co-workers once told me that he did not feel stressed while working. Only when he took a vacation and experienced a different and relaxed state of mind, he realized how stressed out he was during working. I am in the same camp now. I like my life in Chicago, like my work, and like my daily routines. However, when I am wandering around the streets in my hometown and sip coffee and get a drink as I like, I feel I am liking it much more. For the first time, I am thinking about coming back to China, to work and to live.
This is not a tectonic change as you would image. It comes naturally to me without any warning. And I know I might never follow my words here in reality. Too hard to give up the stuff that I already have in America. If I give it up, then who am I? I might have one more identity crisis yet again. But just thinking about it gives me some comfort. At least in this land, it is my world. People really understand me, and lucky me, some people even look up to me. A sense of connectedness is strong.
I have low tolerance of being bored. Whenever I come home, I cannot stay long. It is hard to see how my folks live. Day in and day out, it is the same old stuff. At least in my family, none of the conversation is stimulating. My mom, my dad, my sister, all boring. My brother in law is more interesting, but he is usually not around. My niece is a force of nature and is the most interesting person in the household. For a while, I was worried that her creativity might be smothered in this boring household. Fortunately, my worry was misplaced. Either her resilience cut through all the bullshit, or the financial independence of my brother-in-law allows him to throw his counter weight and keep the whole family sane.
As I said, my little niece is a force of nature. I really enjoy playing with her. She is always laughing (laughing is a rare trait in my family, because everyone in my family has a depressive tendency) and full of creativity. She has a golden tongue and can say things out of ordinary. Yesterday we played a game (completely made us by us) called Shen Bi Ma Liang (a fictional figure in Chinese fable who draws so well that the drawing turns into life once finished). I will say something stupid like, "if i have a Ma Liang's magic pen, I will draw a panda on a television…." and then my niece will just make a story on the fly about a panda and a television. Once she finished the short story, she would laughed at herself, shouting, "well well well, it is all made up by me!"
She cheats in badminton matches. In the gazillion games we played, she never lost. She is diligently practicing her school dance and has a very strong urge to perform. She writing is very good and she can sing and dance. In her, I see a star from my family, more balanced than me probably, and definitely will live a happier life than I. I wish her the best. If somehow my brother-in-law's finance gets into trouble, I think I would love to pick up her education cost.
Anyway, have I ever talked about my brother-in-law? Probably not. He is a very interesting figure, and the main pillar in my family. Without him, I can imagine the sorry state my family would have been in: an old depressive couple, a sister with meager salary, a useless son overseas. Now at least someone has a good income and an independent mind to do things beyond the approval of my parents. He used to be a cook and quit 6 years ago after being a successful part time author. He writes novels for a website and gets money from pay-per-view. His income is very good, and I hope this can last a little while. He is a person of consumption: he bought a nice car, a luxury watch, spent money in bars and personal care. He was yelled at for doing so by my parents when he was a cook. Now his earning power has silenced them. I feel a bit sorry and a bit amused by my parents behavior there. Despite respect for my parents, I look down to them to be so single-minded about money and status.
Last night my brother-in-law took me out to a bar. This is one of my best nights here. It is a bar called Soho Bar. Six of us: three guys and three girls. Guys: my brother-in-law, his friend while he was a cook, and me. His friend went to the same elementary school and middle school with me. We were one grade apart and never knew each other. He is a force of nature as well: well dressed, well versed, good to the girls, like to make friends. Girls: All front desk girls from the hotel that my brother-in-law's restaurant affiliates with. We got there at 9:30pm, and everything has been set up. Piles of beers. We played a fun drinking game with dices: lots of bluffing and guessing, and fun to play with girls. The beer is weak, so we drank a lot. For me, it is a fun night out to see the social scene in my hometown. For them, it was a special occasion to see a rare "species" of overseas returnee. As the lights shining and music beaming, everything is a bit unreal. In the daytime, as I walked about the streets, people are making do with life: hauling vegetable, selling clothes, rushing to work, rushing to lunch, fixing road, building subway. Here it is a totally different world: people forget about worries of tomorrow and enjoy the night away.
I found one of the girls extremely attractive, for her look and her personality. She is petite with a great body, and she obviously knows about her natural endowment. She knows how to have a good time: sometimes she will burst into dance out of nowhere. She is quick in words and has very sharp tongue. She is also observant and knows how to take care of people. She saw me uncomfortable picking songs to sing, so she walked over and subtly encouraged me. I think I enjoy being around people who know how to have a good time. For me, it is a skill that I have never acquired. I know how to work hard, get things accomplished, delay gratification, and expect that nice things will always happen later. Somehow, I lost the ability to live in the present and enjoy the moment. Then, for once, when I am around the people opposite to me, it is a refreshing as if I want their charisma to shine through me and just take me away.
Deep down, I think there is another layer of admiration and respect. Growing up in Ningbo is not the easiest thing for kids. Most families are not well off, and pressures from school, parents and peers are like heavy mountains that can crush most people's back. In that environment, it is natural for people to always look out for the future and suffer the present. Either tomorrow will be better, or the sorry state of present is just how the life is. At least that's my big takeaway growing up here. But some people are just different: they somehow survived life's harshness and had a sense of irrational optimism. i do not know whether they are consciously making the choice toward happiness, or their nature of happiness pursuit is too resilient to put out. Either way, I found myself attracted to them and wanted to be with them. It is hard to tell whether it is a love attraction, or a platonic attraction for an intriguing human being. All I know is that I am, and will be, at my happiest with them.
So much about the bar night out. Now let me do some writing about my career future and then call an end to this blog post. What do I want to be in 5-10 years? It is a cliche question in interviews and I always have a cliche answer. But with the prospect of mid-life crisis looming, a cliche answer will not cut it. Let me reflect. People admire me because I have gone somewhere with my adventures. For them, going to study overseas is a risk; taking a consulting job after PhD is a risk, and going back to business school is a risk. I always fiddle and never satisfy, and that becomes a signature of my "success". Well, people, if you respect me for that, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, I take risks and try to be always on the move. However, these risks are so measured that they are not real risks. I know every step along the way that the downside of each move is falling back to the status quo, so no big deal if I fail. Moreover, every move I take is probably more about escaping the present than reaching for something new. From this perspective, all my changes are extremely conservative in nature, and somehow I just got lucky to weave together a life story as if I am on the driving seat. That's far from the truth. The truth is: I was driven by the current of life and somehow ended up in a nice place. Pretty lucky, isn't it?
Luck will run out sooner or later, and probably for my next career move. So what's next? To be sure, I have no intention to stay in my current finance company to be a VP or something. The work in operations and call center management is interesting, and I think I can hone my skills there. However, I want to do something more useful and meaningful, to me and to the people around me. More and more, I believe that my true calling is to do something of my choice, where I define my job responsibility and interact with smart people. Maybe I should look out for a startup that begins to establish a China office. I can be the employee No 1 in China. How exciting is that?! In fact, I just thought of this idea when I was typing, and it felt right. Maybe it is my life's calling. For once in my life, I am going to take a big risk. No more safety net. If I fail, then I fail. Big deal?!
I am sure that I will reconsider this decision in the coming days. But at the moment, it feels right.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Dethany
It is Oct 12, 2009. Happiness is shining on me these days. I am looking over my blogs and find this one in my draft box. It was written in June, but I forgot to finish it. Let it remain unfinished then.
******************************************
I am typing this entry from Martha's Vineyard. I am staying here for one day before I head back home for some serious packing. Yesterday my car broke down in the middle of the road because the alternator was dead. Funny thing is that nothing can really stress me out these days. I fixed it in time to make the trip to Martha's Vineyard. I know it will be an adventure to drive my crappy car to Chicago in two days. I joined AAA last night, just in case:-) My friend Cel backed out of the ride in the last minute, so I guess I will have to drive alone or find some random guys or gals on Craigslist.
Research shows that a typical person changes 50% of friends every 7 years. For me, my cycle of friend changing is speeding up. I have recently been less selective in terms of whom to hang out with, and it suddenly opens up a whole new world to me. For a while, I was contemplating to make a trip back to California before my b-school starts, but then I realized there was no point. I have been pretty happy in Boston, and I finally settled down right before my departure. It is a little bit too late, but it is better than other alternatives. In a way, I am at peace.
Now to my friend Dethany. She is a neighbor in the same apt complex. One word to describe her: eccentric. She is very kind and spiritual, feeling a connection to the world and environment. She think all the plants are alive. Once she got a four-leave clover for me in a group picnic, saying it was good luck. I was not paying attention and threw it away along with banana skills and orange peels. I had to pick it up and put it in a small jar of water.
Dethany grew up as a Quaker, the youngest among a band of 4, the only girl in the family. Her father had an affair and her mom died of Alzheimer's. Her two brothers chased girls and eventually settled in the UK, and Dethany moved around a lot but still unmarried in an advanced age. I am not sure whether she will ever get married.
She is an artist at heart. She used to sing in Gilbert and Sullivan shows in high school. She is very easy to entertain.
...
******************************************
I am typing this entry from Martha's Vineyard. I am staying here for one day before I head back home for some serious packing. Yesterday my car broke down in the middle of the road because the alternator was dead. Funny thing is that nothing can really stress me out these days. I fixed it in time to make the trip to Martha's Vineyard. I know it will be an adventure to drive my crappy car to Chicago in two days. I joined AAA last night, just in case:-) My friend Cel backed out of the ride in the last minute, so I guess I will have to drive alone or find some random guys or gals on Craigslist.
Research shows that a typical person changes 50% of friends every 7 years. For me, my cycle of friend changing is speeding up. I have recently been less selective in terms of whom to hang out with, and it suddenly opens up a whole new world to me. For a while, I was contemplating to make a trip back to California before my b-school starts, but then I realized there was no point. I have been pretty happy in Boston, and I finally settled down right before my departure. It is a little bit too late, but it is better than other alternatives. In a way, I am at peace.
Now to my friend Dethany. She is a neighbor in the same apt complex. One word to describe her: eccentric. She is very kind and spiritual, feeling a connection to the world and environment. She think all the plants are alive. Once she got a four-leave clover for me in a group picnic, saying it was good luck. I was not paying attention and threw it away along with banana skills and orange peels. I had to pick it up and put it in a small jar of water.
Dethany grew up as a Quaker, the youngest among a band of 4, the only girl in the family. Her father had an affair and her mom died of Alzheimer's. Her two brothers chased girls and eventually settled in the UK, and Dethany moved around a lot but still unmarried in an advanced age. I am not sure whether she will ever get married.
She is an artist at heart. She used to sing in Gilbert and Sullivan shows in high school. She is very easy to entertain.
...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Late on Friday night...
No more Saturday run tomorrow, so I can indulge myself to stay late on this Friday night. Just caught up with an old friend back in the Bay Area and found myself really care about these friendships. If you have not caught this theme from my post this month, let me say it again: Something profound is happening to me these days. I began to care much more about people around me, in a very sincere way. Hitting a wall forces you to look around to the path you just traveled and to find that the best is already there. So nurture those friendships, because it cannot get any better even beyond that wall.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Cel
So it is time to add one more into friend series. I met Cel a while ago when both of us were at an academic conference. She was from XXX, short-hair, independent and somewhat eccentric. We were eager to skip sessions and checked out the local scenes. So we went to the harborwalk for one nice afternoon. I almost forgot about the trip until I revisited my picasa photo album.
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
felt like a failure, but determined to be happy...
Today will roll into the history as another insignificant day, but I felt like crap. I am almost 32 years old, and why do I still have no idea the direction of my life? I have been proud of my free will and ability to experiment, but it has finally hit me that I am tired of this. I want to settle down and do something I like for a living. I am willing to trade my greatest ambition with the most boring life. It is amusing that this blog started with the theme as "anti-revolutionary road," but I am on the verge of giving in. Felt like a failure. The trigger was small (long story), but it brought me down like a house of cards.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
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