Safety Harbor, FL, Jan 12, 2009. My first day of the training that is renowned as the "best" in my company. It is indeed great, and I know I wouldn't have survived it if I participated 2 years ago.
Remember that I analyzed my MBTI type in my very first post? Here is more evidence: I am the most talkative person in my section of 25! Can you believe it? Of course, my comments are still thought after carefully, and I usually already rehearsed how I should say it in my mind. You can say that my comments still lack a sense of spontaneity and I have not mastered the skills of thinking while talking. Actually, I was a little hesitant in the morning, but in the afternoon I was totally on the game. Maybe I should begin to worry about how to shut myself up in the future.
Another reason why I think I wouldn't have survived the training if I participated 2 years ago: I am going to fail a lot in the program. This morning I had a disastrous mock interview, and the feedback I got was pretty much to change everything I am doing. I am exaggerate a little here, but it is close to the truth. Before, my fragile self-esteem would be crushed. But now I just shrugged it off, because from here, I can only do it better the next time around, right? Beside, I think that my teammates love me now because I have embraced my vulnerability pretty well. Too bad that my b-school essay on failures have already been submitted.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Beeboi
Safety Harbor, FL, Jan 11, 2009. I am sitting in the luxurious hotel, ready for the two-week training. I am setting the rules here: work-out everyday, and no TV. I will see whether I can stick with it.
After being on eHarmony for 4 months, sometimes it is very tempting to blog about the girls I met through the match website (so-called "my dates" series). I resist the urge here, but I want to say something general. Online dating is usually a mixed blessing, but for me it is a god-send. I think I have a tremendous ability to keep the girls I meet in real life as just friends. And once it is established, I am not going to break it. But online-dating puts me on the edge and prevents me from being lame, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. So far, I haven't had any bad dates. Twice I thought that I found the one that I would be comfortable to be with: one did not work out, and the other still pending. Regardless of the outcome, though, it has enriched my otherwise boring life greatly.
So now to Beeboi, another entry for my friends series. I think I have blogged about him before, but since this is a new blog, everything starts anew. Besides, I forget his previously assigned name.
Beeboi is a good friend because he sent me a Christmas gift. He actually put some thought into it. Two years ago when we were summer roommate, he noticed that I had a crappy backpack. He still remembers it until today and got me a nice one from Amazon. I was deeply touched by this. Beeboi was a math genius without high social skills, so I understand that doing so is not the most natural way of thinking for him. And I am glad he did.
We met two summers ago when I just moved to Boston. I shared the same apartment for two months. After that, he often came back to Boston, because he liked to attend some salsa clubs in the city. (see my commendatory on his salsa hobby in my previous entry) When he visited, he would usually stay with me, crashing on the couch. He was rather absent-minded. Sometime he would miss the last train so he had to walk all the way home. He once waked me up around 2am. He even missed an international flight due to bad planning. He would forget wallet when buying stuff, so I would pay for it. He would never remember again, because he mind is occupied by more important thoughts, like some math problems.
His home is in Florida, so I takes this chance to visit him. He has not changed much. He is now studying in a prestigious math program in UK, and now is at home for the winter break. It is not a surprise to me when he told me that he miscalculated the time difference so he would miss the first day of class after the winter break. Somehow, his math skills does not translate into everyday life. Typical Beeboi.
His parents came from China. Both are very successful scholars and nice people. Both are very extrovert, so it is quite a surprise that Beeboi is a total introvert. Maybe both parents have been very dominating at home, so he turned off the talking gene.
At his home there is a wall full of awards: cross-country running, academic awards, trivia competition, etc. He finished his high school ranked No. 2, and was one of the few who got out of the Florida and saw the world. He would be consistently late for exams (lost track of time), and still nailed the exams. His mind is full of trivia, and he has a habit of looking things up on wikipedia just so he could collect the littlest bits of details. He liked to solve puzzles too.
Somehow, I feel that I am one of the few people in the world who actually understand his working of his mind. His parents are definitely clueless of his amazing mind and awkward social skills that gave him a hard time in high school and the summer internship in Boston. I understand him mainly because my mind worked that way too, and it took me a while to figure out how to read people and how to talk to people. For me, it is a learned skill and a public performance most of the time, but at least I had it. I hope Beeboi can acquire these skills one day, because so many genius have been wasted by this conformity-driven society.
However, being with Beeboi is liberating, as if I was a little kid again and did not need to pretend to be a thoughtful adult. Yesterday we went to the beach, and had a great battle with the wave. We stood in the middle of the ocean, waiting for the largest wave, and throwing the whole body against the wave, again and again. We threw arms against water, we swam in dog-style, and at least I drank in some nasty water, but it was really fun. Somehow, his presence brought out the most innocent part of me.
Beeboi's favorite:
Favorite movie: Harry Potter (?)
Favorite TV: Battlestar Galactica, or Man vs. Beast
Favorite joke: Anything with sci-fi stuff. You can make stuff up by piling up sci-fi non-sense. "Look, it is electron magmatic-field that is attacking the spectrum of human beings." "My hand is stuck, it must be the counter-atomic galaxy anti-wave shakedown." See, it does not need to make sense, but it is funny.
Favorite topic: Interaction between math and economics. If you can add some stats, like instrumental variables or structural equations, the better. Good thing that I am well versed there.
Favorite award: Consistent Latecomer for Exams. Serious, his highschool gave everyone an award, and this was him.
Dream job: Being a professor.
After being on eHarmony for 4 months, sometimes it is very tempting to blog about the girls I met through the match website (so-called "my dates" series). I resist the urge here, but I want to say something general. Online dating is usually a mixed blessing, but for me it is a god-send. I think I have a tremendous ability to keep the girls I meet in real life as just friends. And once it is established, I am not going to break it. But online-dating puts me on the edge and prevents me from being lame, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. So far, I haven't had any bad dates. Twice I thought that I found the one that I would be comfortable to be with: one did not work out, and the other still pending. Regardless of the outcome, though, it has enriched my otherwise boring life greatly.
So now to Beeboi, another entry for my friends series. I think I have blogged about him before, but since this is a new blog, everything starts anew. Besides, I forget his previously assigned name.
Beeboi is a good friend because he sent me a Christmas gift. He actually put some thought into it. Two years ago when we were summer roommate, he noticed that I had a crappy backpack. He still remembers it until today and got me a nice one from Amazon. I was deeply touched by this. Beeboi was a math genius without high social skills, so I understand that doing so is not the most natural way of thinking for him. And I am glad he did.
We met two summers ago when I just moved to Boston. I shared the same apartment for two months. After that, he often came back to Boston, because he liked to attend some salsa clubs in the city. (see my commendatory on his salsa hobby in my previous entry) When he visited, he would usually stay with me, crashing on the couch. He was rather absent-minded. Sometime he would miss the last train so he had to walk all the way home. He once waked me up around 2am. He even missed an international flight due to bad planning. He would forget wallet when buying stuff, so I would pay for it. He would never remember again, because he mind is occupied by more important thoughts, like some math problems.
His home is in Florida, so I takes this chance to visit him. He has not changed much. He is now studying in a prestigious math program in UK, and now is at home for the winter break. It is not a surprise to me when he told me that he miscalculated the time difference so he would miss the first day of class after the winter break. Somehow, his math skills does not translate into everyday life. Typical Beeboi.
His parents came from China. Both are very successful scholars and nice people. Both are very extrovert, so it is quite a surprise that Beeboi is a total introvert. Maybe both parents have been very dominating at home, so he turned off the talking gene.
At his home there is a wall full of awards: cross-country running, academic awards, trivia competition, etc. He finished his high school ranked No. 2, and was one of the few who got out of the Florida and saw the world. He would be consistently late for exams (lost track of time), and still nailed the exams. His mind is full of trivia, and he has a habit of looking things up on wikipedia just so he could collect the littlest bits of details. He liked to solve puzzles too.
Somehow, I feel that I am one of the few people in the world who actually understand his working of his mind. His parents are definitely clueless of his amazing mind and awkward social skills that gave him a hard time in high school and the summer internship in Boston. I understand him mainly because my mind worked that way too, and it took me a while to figure out how to read people and how to talk to people. For me, it is a learned skill and a public performance most of the time, but at least I had it. I hope Beeboi can acquire these skills one day, because so many genius have been wasted by this conformity-driven society.
However, being with Beeboi is liberating, as if I was a little kid again and did not need to pretend to be a thoughtful adult. Yesterday we went to the beach, and had a great battle with the wave. We stood in the middle of the ocean, waiting for the largest wave, and throwing the whole body against the wave, again and again. We threw arms against water, we swam in dog-style, and at least I drank in some nasty water, but it was really fun. Somehow, his presence brought out the most innocent part of me.
Beeboi's favorite:
Favorite movie: Harry Potter (?)
Favorite TV: Battlestar Galactica, or Man vs. Beast
Favorite joke: Anything with sci-fi stuff. You can make stuff up by piling up sci-fi non-sense. "Look, it is electron magmatic-field that is attacking the spectrum of human beings." "My hand is stuck, it must be the counter-atomic galaxy anti-wave shakedown." See, it does not need to make sense, but it is funny.
Favorite topic: Interaction between math and economics. If you can add some stats, like instrumental variables or structural equations, the better. Good thing that I am well versed there.
Favorite award: Consistent Latecomer for Exams. Serious, his highschool gave everyone an award, and this was him.
Dream job: Being a professor.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Ailio
Harvard Coop bookstore, Jan 7, 2009. I am winding down after finishing a couple of b-school applications and meeting with a good friend. I am at peace, enjoying an uninspiring moment with a cup of coffee myself. Do not know why, but just love being surrounded by books, although I no longer read too many books. Also, the people in the bookstores tend to be my kind, although I do not really have definitely on what exactly is "my kind".
I am listening to the soundtrack of "Spring Awakening," a broadway show that will close in two weeks. The show really deserves a separate post on the blog. It is special to me. I played in the Chinese version of the show as my swan song, and I still miss these friends. But it is not yet the time, and maybe some day I will dig up these memories...
Ailio is my next door neighbor. We met one day because I went out for a run before realizing I did not bring the key to the main entrance. He is about 30 years old, short, with Italian heritage. He was a total introvert, he majored in computer science in college and he managed a database in a healthcare company. If you try to imagine a stereotypical technician, you got Ailio, with 95% accuracy. He is the only neighbor I really talk to, and we are quite good friends now.
If there are multiple universes, he is another version of me at the core: a loner. Of course, he is more extreme. Every time I asked him to do something together, he was always available. So I took him out for a couple of drinks on his birthday two months ago, and he insisted to do the same for me too.
He does not like to stay at home. His home is a mess, because he was remodeling the apartment. Like most Boston public projects, his endeavor seems to last forever too. He said that he wanted to rent out the place after it was done, but I was considerate enough to never ask his specific timeline.
Anyway, he liked to hang out in this nearby coffee shop, so now I regular this place too. When we just began to hang out, we talked about investment. He made a killing on some option plays then, so he was happy I guess. Quickly, as 2008 went on, investment topics subsided, and what filled vacuum was dating topics. I usually do not feel comfortable talking about dating, but with Ailio, I feel that we are equals. I forgot how it got started. Maybe some discussions about the looks of the coffee shop workers. (A quick distraction here: there is this weirdo guy called Jacks that once filled us with some background information about these girls, which spiced up out discussions a little with context. Moreover, Jack himself became our conversation topic, because he is so weird.)
Dating conversions can be fun, believe it or not. I usually threw out some eHarmony stories. Nothing substantial, just my usual silly analysis on human beings, which my regular readers are probably already tired of, but which he found intriguing. In fact, he was quite impressed, partly because he had not tried it before. He signed up for okcubit (or something like that). According to my observation, it went nowhere, because Ailio just freaked out at moments. Every time he got close to meeting the girl, he would suspect that the girl might be "crazy", or what if this what if that. He had this strange lack of self-esteem: if some girl liked him, there might be something wrong with this girl, because how could this be possible?! Well, nothing condescending, because in the parallel universe, I am just like that, only being able to pretend better.
He was quite helpful on my essays. He would read it so carefully that it made me feel that I was taking advantage of him. I asked several times to see whether I could be any help for his home remodeling, and he said "later". So I consciously overpaid our meal or coffee bill. He wouldn't care in a million years, but it just made me feel better.
We went to watch a movie together. I told him that I used to get a ticket to watch multiple movies and still used my expired ID to get student ticket. This is something I liked to talk about, because it showed a only flaw of an otherwise perfect me. Kidding. But he topped me on this one. He told me that he used to buy kid ticket to watch multiple movies. What a bad ass!
I am listening to the soundtrack of "Spring Awakening," a broadway show that will close in two weeks. The show really deserves a separate post on the blog. It is special to me. I played in the Chinese version of the show as my swan song, and I still miss these friends. But it is not yet the time, and maybe some day I will dig up these memories...
Ailio is my next door neighbor. We met one day because I went out for a run before realizing I did not bring the key to the main entrance. He is about 30 years old, short, with Italian heritage. He was a total introvert, he majored in computer science in college and he managed a database in a healthcare company. If you try to imagine a stereotypical technician, you got Ailio, with 95% accuracy. He is the only neighbor I really talk to, and we are quite good friends now.
If there are multiple universes, he is another version of me at the core: a loner. Of course, he is more extreme. Every time I asked him to do something together, he was always available. So I took him out for a couple of drinks on his birthday two months ago, and he insisted to do the same for me too.
He does not like to stay at home. His home is a mess, because he was remodeling the apartment. Like most Boston public projects, his endeavor seems to last forever too. He said that he wanted to rent out the place after it was done, but I was considerate enough to never ask his specific timeline.
Anyway, he liked to hang out in this nearby coffee shop, so now I regular this place too. When we just began to hang out, we talked about investment. He made a killing on some option plays then, so he was happy I guess. Quickly, as 2008 went on, investment topics subsided, and what filled vacuum was dating topics. I usually do not feel comfortable talking about dating, but with Ailio, I feel that we are equals. I forgot how it got started. Maybe some discussions about the looks of the coffee shop workers. (A quick distraction here: there is this weirdo guy called Jacks that once filled us with some background information about these girls, which spiced up out discussions a little with context. Moreover, Jack himself became our conversation topic, because he is so weird.)
Dating conversions can be fun, believe it or not. I usually threw out some eHarmony stories. Nothing substantial, just my usual silly analysis on human beings, which my regular readers are probably already tired of, but which he found intriguing. In fact, he was quite impressed, partly because he had not tried it before. He signed up for okcubit (or something like that). According to my observation, it went nowhere, because Ailio just freaked out at moments. Every time he got close to meeting the girl, he would suspect that the girl might be "crazy", or what if this what if that. He had this strange lack of self-esteem: if some girl liked him, there might be something wrong with this girl, because how could this be possible?! Well, nothing condescending, because in the parallel universe, I am just like that, only being able to pretend better.
He was quite helpful on my essays. He would read it so carefully that it made me feel that I was taking advantage of him. I asked several times to see whether I could be any help for his home remodeling, and he said "later". So I consciously overpaid our meal or coffee bill. He wouldn't care in a million years, but it just made me feel better.
We went to watch a movie together. I told him that I used to get a ticket to watch multiple movies and still used my expired ID to get student ticket. This is something I liked to talk about, because it showed a only flaw of an otherwise perfect me. Kidding. But he topped me on this one. He told me that he used to buy kid ticket to watch multiple movies. What a bad ass!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Revolutionary Road
If you trust my movie taste, go watch Revolutionary Road. If you want to spend a couple of hours just so you can understand me better (the decisions I made, the roads I took), you will find some answers in the movie too. Of course, you may still end up not gaining insights into my thoughts. But hey, at least you would have watched a good movie.
Seriously, this movie makes me think, and think deep. The movie has said it all, and there is little more I can add. I understand every decisions the couple in the movie made. If you put me into the movie, I would make exactly the same decisions. And this makes me sad.
I fear that I die before I have lived. I fear that my life will be as empty as it is hopeless. I fear that each day goes by like a whimper, just like every other day of every other person. This is my worst fear, and I have never seen it as clearly as I did today while watching the movie.
I always want options in my life, so that I can escape if I feel trapped. When I graduated from college, I applied for jobs while applying for graduate schools at the same time. In graduate school, I applied for law school while I was pursuing my PhD. Upon graduation, I applied jobs in academia as well as in private sector. Right now I am holding the job while applying for business school. Options, my life is always about options. Why, because I do not want to be trapped, that's all.
It is very sad that our dreams begin to evaporate as we get older, or "wiser." People convince themselves that it is the "small happiness" that fulfills their life pursuit, and no one questions the stupidity of having every conversation evolving around the house, the dog, the kids, and vacation, the exotic cultural experiences. Rich people invented them as a tool of class oppression, and everyone else followed (sounds like Marx). As if people intuitively realize the life's emptiness and attempt to fill the void with as many mundane events as possible. But in the end, they are trapped in self-deceit, and are only happy because "they are better at lying (quote from the movie)."
After watching the movie, I had this out-of-body feeling. Something in me just emerged into the air and began to observe the earth like a bird in the sky. Here is this guy in T-station, playing guitar beautifully. Is it the life he always wanted, or he was forced into that and now helplessly doing it day in and day out. The guy in front of me was playing his iPhone, probably some games. Has he already given up all the hopes in life and now just wanted to be like everyone else - normal, peaceful and uninspiring. The young couple next to me, could they imagine what awaits them? Do they know that their life will just be like the one on Revolutionary Road?
I want to believe that I can do better. If I cannot, at least I am giving it a fight. If not a fight, at least I can give it a blog. Here it is. But here is the sad part (drum beat): there is no escape. My dear friends, look at your life for a moment: Is it really what you have wanted all along, or you just have become better at lying to yourself. Just think.
Please do not be alarmed by this post. I almost think it is ironic to post such an entry. If life is in the end futile, isn't every day like a comedy? Please have a sense of humor. It is as dark as my blog will go, and that's why the description to my second blog is "Anti-Revolutionary Road."
Seriously, this movie makes me think, and think deep. The movie has said it all, and there is little more I can add. I understand every decisions the couple in the movie made. If you put me into the movie, I would make exactly the same decisions. And this makes me sad.
I fear that I die before I have lived. I fear that my life will be as empty as it is hopeless. I fear that each day goes by like a whimper, just like every other day of every other person. This is my worst fear, and I have never seen it as clearly as I did today while watching the movie.
I always want options in my life, so that I can escape if I feel trapped. When I graduated from college, I applied for jobs while applying for graduate schools at the same time. In graduate school, I applied for law school while I was pursuing my PhD. Upon graduation, I applied jobs in academia as well as in private sector. Right now I am holding the job while applying for business school. Options, my life is always about options. Why, because I do not want to be trapped, that's all.
It is very sad that our dreams begin to evaporate as we get older, or "wiser." People convince themselves that it is the "small happiness" that fulfills their life pursuit, and no one questions the stupidity of having every conversation evolving around the house, the dog, the kids, and vacation, the exotic cultural experiences. Rich people invented them as a tool of class oppression, and everyone else followed (sounds like Marx). As if people intuitively realize the life's emptiness and attempt to fill the void with as many mundane events as possible. But in the end, they are trapped in self-deceit, and are only happy because "they are better at lying (quote from the movie)."
After watching the movie, I had this out-of-body feeling. Something in me just emerged into the air and began to observe the earth like a bird in the sky. Here is this guy in T-station, playing guitar beautifully. Is it the life he always wanted, or he was forced into that and now helplessly doing it day in and day out. The guy in front of me was playing his iPhone, probably some games. Has he already given up all the hopes in life and now just wanted to be like everyone else - normal, peaceful and uninspiring. The young couple next to me, could they imagine what awaits them? Do they know that their life will just be like the one on Revolutionary Road?
I want to believe that I can do better. If I cannot, at least I am giving it a fight. If not a fight, at least I can give it a blog. Here it is. But here is the sad part (drum beat): there is no escape. My dear friends, look at your life for a moment: Is it really what you have wanted all along, or you just have become better at lying to yourself. Just think.
Please do not be alarmed by this post. I almost think it is ironic to post such an entry. If life is in the end futile, isn't every day like a comedy? Please have a sense of humor. It is as dark as my blog will go, and that's why the description to my second blog is "Anti-Revolutionary Road."
The beginning
It is the fourth day of 2009, and I am starting this second blog. It has been 8 months since I ended my last blog, and I am ready to start anew.
I have been traveling this winter break. Since I rolled off my last project around November, I have noticed something different about myself, and this is a good reason to start my second blog. What really finalizes my decision is the movie Revolutionary Road. I am going to be very dark in my next blog entry on the movie, but for now, let me take a moment to be hopeful.
Change No. 1: I no longer have too many secrets. I used to like keeping secrets, and did not like to share my decisions and my plans. As if sharing them will spoil them, and keeping them serves as a protection around my fragile self-esteem. Not any more. Now everything is out in the open, and I feel liberated. If you do not know the following facts in my life, that is not because I am hiding them, but because you have not asked the right questions. I am preparing a business school application to top 5 schools, just in case I need to ride out the economic downturn back at school. I am a little bit desperate in my personal life, so I am using eHarmony.com. I am doing below average in consulting, but I am learning more every day than others. And I have no complaint of this trade-off, because I am really happy about my personal growth in the past 18 months.
Change No. 2: I have gained new friends and reconnected with my old friends. I felt exhausted at the end of my last blog because I ran out of materials, but now I feel that I have so much to write about. Just wait for my revival of 26 alphabet-friends.
Change No. 3: I have been really happy recently, and I do not know why. Somehow I am content with who I am now, and somehow I just get better insights into people around me. Understanding other people is a great power, and it comes with great responsibility. Always remember that.
Change No. 4: Am I ISTJ Or ENFP? I have always thought that I am an ISTJ, but really? After I started working, I have noticed changes. I am enjoying very much spending time with friends and hating staying at home on weekends. I learn some great skills of thinking in big picture. Sometimes I really feel people (especially fictional characters in movies). I enjoy improvising my travel schedules and enjoy the very unexpected on the road. Either my self-inhibition imposed by my early socialization is thawing, or I just mastered the skills of the other side so well that I can pass freely in both worlds. Either way, it is a good progress.
So here I am, in a new year with a new blog. I think I have changed a lot in the past 8 months, and I hope that my friends have noticed that. I know that some day I will run out of passion (or time) again. And I will have to stop. But at least at this moment, a door is opening. Happy new year.
I have been traveling this winter break. Since I rolled off my last project around November, I have noticed something different about myself, and this is a good reason to start my second blog. What really finalizes my decision is the movie Revolutionary Road. I am going to be very dark in my next blog entry on the movie, but for now, let me take a moment to be hopeful.
Change No. 1: I no longer have too many secrets. I used to like keeping secrets, and did not like to share my decisions and my plans. As if sharing them will spoil them, and keeping them serves as a protection around my fragile self-esteem. Not any more. Now everything is out in the open, and I feel liberated. If you do not know the following facts in my life, that is not because I am hiding them, but because you have not asked the right questions. I am preparing a business school application to top 5 schools, just in case I need to ride out the economic downturn back at school. I am a little bit desperate in my personal life, so I am using eHarmony.com. I am doing below average in consulting, but I am learning more every day than others. And I have no complaint of this trade-off, because I am really happy about my personal growth in the past 18 months.
Change No. 2: I have gained new friends and reconnected with my old friends. I felt exhausted at the end of my last blog because I ran out of materials, but now I feel that I have so much to write about. Just wait for my revival of 26 alphabet-friends.
Change No. 3: I have been really happy recently, and I do not know why. Somehow I am content with who I am now, and somehow I just get better insights into people around me. Understanding other people is a great power, and it comes with great responsibility. Always remember that.
Change No. 4: Am I ISTJ Or ENFP? I have always thought that I am an ISTJ, but really? After I started working, I have noticed changes. I am enjoying very much spending time with friends and hating staying at home on weekends. I learn some great skills of thinking in big picture. Sometimes I really feel people (especially fictional characters in movies). I enjoy improvising my travel schedules and enjoy the very unexpected on the road. Either my self-inhibition imposed by my early socialization is thawing, or I just mastered the skills of the other side so well that I can pass freely in both worlds. Either way, it is a good progress.
So here I am, in a new year with a new blog. I think I have changed a lot in the past 8 months, and I hope that my friends have noticed that. I know that some day I will run out of passion (or time) again. And I will have to stop. But at least at this moment, a door is opening. Happy new year.
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