It is Oct 12, 2009. Happiness is shining on me these days. I am looking over my blogs and find this one in my draft box. It was written in June, but I forgot to finish it. Let it remain unfinished then.
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I am typing this entry from Martha's Vineyard. I am staying here for one day before I head back home for some serious packing. Yesterday my car broke down in the middle of the road because the alternator was dead. Funny thing is that nothing can really stress me out these days. I fixed it in time to make the trip to Martha's Vineyard. I know it will be an adventure to drive my crappy car to Chicago in two days. I joined AAA last night, just in case:-) My friend Cel backed out of the ride in the last minute, so I guess I will have to drive alone or find some random guys or gals on Craigslist.
Research shows that a typical person changes 50% of friends every 7 years. For me, my cycle of friend changing is speeding up. I have recently been less selective in terms of whom to hang out with, and it suddenly opens up a whole new world to me. For a while, I was contemplating to make a trip back to California before my b-school starts, but then I realized there was no point. I have been pretty happy in Boston, and I finally settled down right before my departure. It is a little bit too late, but it is better than other alternatives. In a way, I am at peace.
Now to my friend Dethany. She is a neighbor in the same apt complex. One word to describe her: eccentric. She is very kind and spiritual, feeling a connection to the world and environment. She think all the plants are alive. Once she got a four-leave clover for me in a group picnic, saying it was good luck. I was not paying attention and threw it away along with banana skills and orange peels. I had to pick it up and put it in a small jar of water.
Dethany grew up as a Quaker, the youngest among a band of 4, the only girl in the family. Her father had an affair and her mom died of Alzheimer's. Her two brothers chased girls and eventually settled in the UK, and Dethany moved around a lot but still unmarried in an advanced age. I am not sure whether she will ever get married.
She is an artist at heart. She used to sing in Gilbert and Sullivan shows in high school. She is very easy to entertain.
...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Late on Friday night...
No more Saturday run tomorrow, so I can indulge myself to stay late on this Friday night. Just caught up with an old friend back in the Bay Area and found myself really care about these friendships. If you have not caught this theme from my post this month, let me say it again: Something profound is happening to me these days. I began to care much more about people around me, in a very sincere way. Hitting a wall forces you to look around to the path you just traveled and to find that the best is already there. So nurture those friendships, because it cannot get any better even beyond that wall.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Cel
So it is time to add one more into friend series. I met Cel a while ago when both of us were at an academic conference. She was from XXX, short-hair, independent and somewhat eccentric. We were eager to skip sessions and checked out the local scenes. So we went to the harborwalk for one nice afternoon. I almost forgot about the trip until I revisited my picasa photo album.
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
felt like a failure, but determined to be happy...
Today will roll into the history as another insignificant day, but I felt like crap. I am almost 32 years old, and why do I still have no idea the direction of my life? I have been proud of my free will and ability to experiment, but it has finally hit me that I am tired of this. I want to settle down and do something I like for a living. I am willing to trade my greatest ambition with the most boring life. It is amusing that this blog started with the theme as "anti-revolutionary road," but I am on the verge of giving in. Felt like a failure. The trigger was small (long story), but it brought me down like a house of cards.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Memorial Day weekend!
Had a great run this morning near Castle Island Beach. Still deep in love and determined not to let it bother me. My two pictures were selected into "Common Boston // Neighborhood Photo Project 2009." It only amuses me how I got into this in the first place. Got reconnected with two old friends today. One is from an IHS workshop back in 2004 and the other is a friend's friend that I only met once two years ago. It truly amazes me how far I have gone in my social skills. Thanks, XXX, for the great two years!
Friday, May 15, 2009
It is good
I do not know hows other people channel their personal issues, but for me, it is always positive in the end. Not so sure whether I am unconsciously pretending to be this way, just like I always pretend all my romantic fledgling has the potential to fully blossom, until it is inevitably predictable to get smacked down. Anyway, at least I am feeling quite good, and I have found ways to love and to be loved.
I recall that at the beginning of starting this blog, I was bloating the 4 personal growths. Well, change is never easy, and I sorta went back and forth on some of them, and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is quite easy to forget what you learned and revert back to what you are used to do things. In one of Seinfeld episode, George comes to the realization that he should try to do the opposite of everything, so he does, his luck changes and everything begins to go his way including getting a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees and moving out of his parents' house. I am testing a minor version of George's solution, and it seems to be working for me.
The examples are all really small and probably not worth mentioning. Essentially, I have tried to be "irrational" in making arrangements on my daily life. No more forced cost benefit analysis. If I feel like to do something, that is a good enough reason to do it. So yesterday, I was meeting friends the whole day, and today I went to volunteer for a homeless shelter and then did some gardening with my neighbor Katy. Besides, I have been keeping my chatty streaks and explored my hidden talent of being an extrovert.
I am still not sure how it will work out in the end. I was using my rationality to engineer a free-wheeling attitude. Does it sound like oxymoron? This said, however, I am not going to analyze my motivation and potential results here. I have been quite happy, despite a big personal throwback. On the other hand, the failure of my love pursuit threw me over the top and made me want to change. Besides, surprisingly, my over pursuit is not dead yet. We still have our weekly morning run plus breakfast. I am not pushing for anything, but would love to take whatever I can get. Finally, I begin to understand why facebook gives you an option of "whatever I can get," because sometimes that is the only possible option. You cannot be too pick, can you?
I recall that at the beginning of starting this blog, I was bloating the 4 personal growths. Well, change is never easy, and I sorta went back and forth on some of them, and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is quite easy to forget what you learned and revert back to what you are used to do things. In one of Seinfeld episode, George comes to the realization that he should try to do the opposite of everything, so he does, his luck changes and everything begins to go his way including getting a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees and moving out of his parents' house. I am testing a minor version of George's solution, and it seems to be working for me.
The examples are all really small and probably not worth mentioning. Essentially, I have tried to be "irrational" in making arrangements on my daily life. No more forced cost benefit analysis. If I feel like to do something, that is a good enough reason to do it. So yesterday, I was meeting friends the whole day, and today I went to volunteer for a homeless shelter and then did some gardening with my neighbor Katy. Besides, I have been keeping my chatty streaks and explored my hidden talent of being an extrovert.
I am still not sure how it will work out in the end. I was using my rationality to engineer a free-wheeling attitude. Does it sound like oxymoron? This said, however, I am not going to analyze my motivation and potential results here. I have been quite happy, despite a big personal throwback. On the other hand, the failure of my love pursuit threw me over the top and made me want to change. Besides, surprisingly, my over pursuit is not dead yet. We still have our weekly morning run plus breakfast. I am not pushing for anything, but would love to take whatever I can get. Finally, I begin to understand why facebook gives you an option of "whatever I can get," because sometimes that is the only possible option. You cannot be too pick, can you?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Be strong
Giving up is not my strong suit. It has been a unilateral crush to begin with, but it is still hard to let it go. I tend to make things more complicated than necessary, because I play out multiple scenarios in my mind and get carried away. I should have known better. So be strong.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Greater Sunday, and greatest Monday
Some days you just want to hide, and other days you just know you are on a roll and want to talk to anyone crossing the path. Today (Sunday), fortunately, is the latter. I still need to find the right equation, so I can freely switch myself from one mode to another. But for now, I am just relying on my luck and take one day at a time, hoping my happy days are yet to come. Based on the trend of three data points, I am on the rise.
But really, these two days both start normal. Sunday, I got up, and I read a couple of magazine articles. I then went to the gym, and then I took a 2 mile run in the warm Boston spring. And then I met Ailio (who returned from Italy the previous day) in KFC, and met my landlord in the coffee shop and then a distant friend on top of the hub. I came back and met Ailio again for dinner, when he talked about his adventure in Cicely. I was quite happy the whole day, and felt connected to the world in a different way. I guess that I really love to be with people, and love talking.
Today, I was even more chatty, the chattiest in my whole life. If I have to name my happiest days in my life, this will be one of them. I got up, and went to the gym (did you realize that I went to gym every day?!), and then I went to a police impounded car auction. Yes, you are hearing it right, an impounded car auction. I did not have time to look at cars carefully, but jumped into one of the auction and got a Nissan 1998 Altima (120K miles) for 900 dollars. The car had some problems, so it is sitting in a mechanic's garage, and I am waiting for the verdict tomorrow. Hopefully it is not a lemon.
But strangely, as the day went on, owning a car lost its significance, and I could care less whether it was a good deal or bad deal. The whole experience was a blast. Both people bidding on the cars are either dealers or underclass folks. After the bidding was over, dealers are all gone (maybe they had some plans later), but all the other folks were scrabbling to make the cars start. I started with talking a couple of folks next to me, and then my chatting bug got me. I was circling around the parking lot, and tried to make connections with everyone (mostly blacks). Since buying a car is such a stressful event (not mentioning police auction with cars of unknown quality), everyone wanted to talk to release stress.
Perfect time to practice my consulting skills (active listening, smile, sympathy, eye contact, some street-smart expressions). Well, I am kidding about practice my consulting skills in the situation, but I do realize that those skills are important in human interactions, and you can use them sincerely. (But to be honest with you, since those people come from underclass, they probably won't realize if I manipulate the conversation). And I would not be able to make such talks without my consulting training. I was making smart talks with the mechanic to establish some good-natured trust (so he would not screw me). I got some lunch for the car key guys so he took out my after-market alarm for free.
I was almost ecstatic when I left the scene. Perfect timing, since I had a doctor appointment for annual check-up. On the way there, I chatted with a flower seller in the middle of an express way (not a good day for him, after the big mother's day bonanza). I saw a girl fell off her bike, and went forward to fix her bike. While fixing the bike, I chatted a lot. Not surprisingly, I was slightly late for the appointment. I further chatted with the nurse and with the doctor, fully aware that I had not been that chatty for ..... forever.
Got back home, and fixed my bike a bit. Went to microcenter, and couldn't help but chat with the guy in front of me. My opening line "what kind computer is it?" "What do you use it for?" Turned out he is a rap musician. "Have you watched Hustle & Flow?" Talking is just too easy for me today.
My suspicion is that my chattiness would not last for long. After a good night sleep, I will become the same old introverted me again. But somehow, I have a hope that I might be born as extrovert, and I am just discovering my hidden talent. Well, I will see.
Or maybe these days I just have time to reflect and think. I am not completely satisfied with my own life, or it is time to spice it up with different variations of me. After my fair share of disappointments, I am yet again free to experiment. But in the end, I just want to be a better person. Seriously.
But really, these two days both start normal. Sunday, I got up, and I read a couple of magazine articles. I then went to the gym, and then I took a 2 mile run in the warm Boston spring. And then I met Ailio (who returned from Italy the previous day) in KFC, and met my landlord in the coffee shop and then a distant friend on top of the hub. I came back and met Ailio again for dinner, when he talked about his adventure in Cicely. I was quite happy the whole day, and felt connected to the world in a different way. I guess that I really love to be with people, and love talking.
Today, I was even more chatty, the chattiest in my whole life. If I have to name my happiest days in my life, this will be one of them. I got up, and went to the gym (did you realize that I went to gym every day?!), and then I went to a police impounded car auction. Yes, you are hearing it right, an impounded car auction. I did not have time to look at cars carefully, but jumped into one of the auction and got a Nissan 1998 Altima (120K miles) for 900 dollars. The car had some problems, so it is sitting in a mechanic's garage, and I am waiting for the verdict tomorrow. Hopefully it is not a lemon.
But strangely, as the day went on, owning a car lost its significance, and I could care less whether it was a good deal or bad deal. The whole experience was a blast. Both people bidding on the cars are either dealers or underclass folks. After the bidding was over, dealers are all gone (maybe they had some plans later), but all the other folks were scrabbling to make the cars start. I started with talking a couple of folks next to me, and then my chatting bug got me. I was circling around the parking lot, and tried to make connections with everyone (mostly blacks). Since buying a car is such a stressful event (not mentioning police auction with cars of unknown quality), everyone wanted to talk to release stress.
Perfect time to practice my consulting skills (active listening, smile, sympathy, eye contact, some street-smart expressions). Well, I am kidding about practice my consulting skills in the situation, but I do realize that those skills are important in human interactions, and you can use them sincerely. (But to be honest with you, since those people come from underclass, they probably won't realize if I manipulate the conversation). And I would not be able to make such talks without my consulting training. I was making smart talks with the mechanic to establish some good-natured trust (so he would not screw me). I got some lunch for the car key guys so he took out my after-market alarm for free.
I was almost ecstatic when I left the scene. Perfect timing, since I had a doctor appointment for annual check-up. On the way there, I chatted with a flower seller in the middle of an express way (not a good day for him, after the big mother's day bonanza). I saw a girl fell off her bike, and went forward to fix her bike. While fixing the bike, I chatted a lot. Not surprisingly, I was slightly late for the appointment. I further chatted with the nurse and with the doctor, fully aware that I had not been that chatty for ..... forever.
Got back home, and fixed my bike a bit. Went to microcenter, and couldn't help but chat with the guy in front of me. My opening line "what kind computer is it?" "What do you use it for?" Turned out he is a rap musician. "Have you watched Hustle & Flow?" Talking is just too easy for me today.
My suspicion is that my chattiness would not last for long. After a good night sleep, I will become the same old introverted me again. But somehow, I have a hope that I might be born as extrovert, and I am just discovering my hidden talent. Well, I will see.
Or maybe these days I just have time to reflect and think. I am not completely satisfied with my own life, or it is time to spice it up with different variations of me. After my fair share of disappointments, I am yet again free to experiment. But in the end, I just want to be a better person. Seriously.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Great Saturday
Here is my photography debut!
Some quite update:
1). I was taking photos in South Boston today. It always happens to me like that: the moment I decides to leave a city, all of a sudden there are thousands of reasons for me not to leave it behind. Or maybe there is only one reason. If you have to ask why, I will say it is because of the beauty of south Boston.
2). I went to a charity walk today: March of Dimes. I can care less about the cause, because the victims are invisible to me. But hey, I have got this cool t-shirts with my baby picture on it (well, to be precise, it is a picture of a 7-year-old me).
3). One of my good friends just got married yesterday in Cambridge city hall. They will hold another wedding in Chicago, which I will definitely attend, in August. Congratulation!
4). I am going to run in the morning in the coming weeks!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Quick update
I have been ignoring this blog for a long while, and here are some quick update. However, I am not going to spill too many personal beans.
I have decided to go to Kellogg business in Chicago this summer. It is a bittersweet decision, and I am not exactly sure how it will lead to a uncertain future. But if life is one step a time, at least I am moving along and try not to be left behind. I will be living with a bunch of hippies in a co-op, continuing my co-op life streak.
I was sad for a couple of days after falling for a girl. I wrote a long blog entry about it, but has deleted it since. Being sad is not a bad thing for me, it turns out. It disturbs my otherwise super-boring life and expands my mental elasticity. So when I bounce back this week, I am experiencing some quirky happiness for almost no reasons.
*****
It is April 29, and let me continue on this previous post. Euphoria, that's how I am feeling now. No specific reasons. My life, to certain extent, still sucks, but now I have a good mechanism to let go. Ailio has become my best friend in Boston. He is such a good listener, and I just talk talk talk with no secrets. That's why extroverts are always happier, as talking is always a stress-reliever. Maybe something finally clicked that I am going to be happy after all. Euphoria!
I have decided to go to Kellogg business in Chicago this summer. It is a bittersweet decision, and I am not exactly sure how it will lead to a uncertain future. But if life is one step a time, at least I am moving along and try not to be left behind. I will be living with a bunch of hippies in a co-op, continuing my co-op life streak.
I was sad for a couple of days after falling for a girl. I wrote a long blog entry about it, but has deleted it since. Being sad is not a bad thing for me, it turns out. It disturbs my otherwise super-boring life and expands my mental elasticity. So when I bounce back this week, I am experiencing some quirky happiness for almost no reasons.
*****
It is April 29, and let me continue on this previous post. Euphoria, that's how I am feeling now. No specific reasons. My life, to certain extent, still sucks, but now I have a good mechanism to let go. Ailio has become my best friend in Boston. He is such a good listener, and I just talk talk talk with no secrets. That's why extroverts are always happier, as talking is always a stress-reliever. Maybe something finally clicked that I am going to be happy after all. Euphoria!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
My City: New York
It is May 4, 2009: I realized that I have this unfinished entry since February. I was quite impressed by NYC, and decided to start a "my cities" series. But I never bothered to finish it. As time passes, I have less and less motivation to do so, and it become an eyesore in my draft box. Let me just publish this as it is. Life is all about unfulfilled promises, interrupted dreams and unrealized potentials. At least I am content with the unfinished essays. Here it is.
*****
Good thing that I have been going to gym consistently in the past three weeks. I hope that I can keep it up for the rest of the year. I got a dental implant yesterday. The drilling machine broke down in the middle, so they had to get a spare one from the basement. But other than that, it was a smooth operation and I was biting anything by the end of the day. Now I have a metal screw in my mouth and need to wait for 3 months for a crown installation. One worry though: will airport security check let me pass or trigger a massive alarm? I will see.
Let me blog a city - New York. I had a pretty bad impression about NYC for quite some time. Too many people, too crowded, subway too dirty, people too good-looking, things too expensive, etc. But now I guess that I have to revise the impression a little bit.
I took a trip to New York during the Valentine's Day weekend. I guess that it was too depressing to stay at home alone, so I suddenly had this thought of going to New York alone. It was only 4 hours driving anyway. I rented a car and took off early afternoon and got to a Sheraton near the airport early afternoon. After settling down, I headed out for a Broadway show.
*****
Good thing that I have been going to gym consistently in the past three weeks. I hope that I can keep it up for the rest of the year. I got a dental implant yesterday. The drilling machine broke down in the middle, so they had to get a spare one from the basement. But other than that, it was a smooth operation and I was biting anything by the end of the day. Now I have a metal screw in my mouth and need to wait for 3 months for a crown installation. One worry though: will airport security check let me pass or trigger a massive alarm? I will see.
Let me blog a city - New York. I had a pretty bad impression about NYC for quite some time. Too many people, too crowded, subway too dirty, people too good-looking, things too expensive, etc. But now I guess that I have to revise the impression a little bit.
I took a trip to New York during the Valentine's Day weekend. I guess that it was too depressing to stay at home alone, so I suddenly had this thought of going to New York alone. It was only 4 hours driving anyway. I rented a car and took off early afternoon and got to a Sheraton near the airport early afternoon. After settling down, I headed out for a Broadway show.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Training Day 1
Safety Harbor, FL, Jan 12, 2009. My first day of the training that is renowned as the "best" in my company. It is indeed great, and I know I wouldn't have survived it if I participated 2 years ago.
Remember that I analyzed my MBTI type in my very first post? Here is more evidence: I am the most talkative person in my section of 25! Can you believe it? Of course, my comments are still thought after carefully, and I usually already rehearsed how I should say it in my mind. You can say that my comments still lack a sense of spontaneity and I have not mastered the skills of thinking while talking. Actually, I was a little hesitant in the morning, but in the afternoon I was totally on the game. Maybe I should begin to worry about how to shut myself up in the future.
Another reason why I think I wouldn't have survived the training if I participated 2 years ago: I am going to fail a lot in the program. This morning I had a disastrous mock interview, and the feedback I got was pretty much to change everything I am doing. I am exaggerate a little here, but it is close to the truth. Before, my fragile self-esteem would be crushed. But now I just shrugged it off, because from here, I can only do it better the next time around, right? Beside, I think that my teammates love me now because I have embraced my vulnerability pretty well. Too bad that my b-school essay on failures have already been submitted.
Remember that I analyzed my MBTI type in my very first post? Here is more evidence: I am the most talkative person in my section of 25! Can you believe it? Of course, my comments are still thought after carefully, and I usually already rehearsed how I should say it in my mind. You can say that my comments still lack a sense of spontaneity and I have not mastered the skills of thinking while talking. Actually, I was a little hesitant in the morning, but in the afternoon I was totally on the game. Maybe I should begin to worry about how to shut myself up in the future.
Another reason why I think I wouldn't have survived the training if I participated 2 years ago: I am going to fail a lot in the program. This morning I had a disastrous mock interview, and the feedback I got was pretty much to change everything I am doing. I am exaggerate a little here, but it is close to the truth. Before, my fragile self-esteem would be crushed. But now I just shrugged it off, because from here, I can only do it better the next time around, right? Beside, I think that my teammates love me now because I have embraced my vulnerability pretty well. Too bad that my b-school essay on failures have already been submitted.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Beeboi
Safety Harbor, FL, Jan 11, 2009. I am sitting in the luxurious hotel, ready for the two-week training. I am setting the rules here: work-out everyday, and no TV. I will see whether I can stick with it.
After being on eHarmony for 4 months, sometimes it is very tempting to blog about the girls I met through the match website (so-called "my dates" series). I resist the urge here, but I want to say something general. Online dating is usually a mixed blessing, but for me it is a god-send. I think I have a tremendous ability to keep the girls I meet in real life as just friends. And once it is established, I am not going to break it. But online-dating puts me on the edge and prevents me from being lame, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. So far, I haven't had any bad dates. Twice I thought that I found the one that I would be comfortable to be with: one did not work out, and the other still pending. Regardless of the outcome, though, it has enriched my otherwise boring life greatly.
So now to Beeboi, another entry for my friends series. I think I have blogged about him before, but since this is a new blog, everything starts anew. Besides, I forget his previously assigned name.
Beeboi is a good friend because he sent me a Christmas gift. He actually put some thought into it. Two years ago when we were summer roommate, he noticed that I had a crappy backpack. He still remembers it until today and got me a nice one from Amazon. I was deeply touched by this. Beeboi was a math genius without high social skills, so I understand that doing so is not the most natural way of thinking for him. And I am glad he did.
We met two summers ago when I just moved to Boston. I shared the same apartment for two months. After that, he often came back to Boston, because he liked to attend some salsa clubs in the city. (see my commendatory on his salsa hobby in my previous entry) When he visited, he would usually stay with me, crashing on the couch. He was rather absent-minded. Sometime he would miss the last train so he had to walk all the way home. He once waked me up around 2am. He even missed an international flight due to bad planning. He would forget wallet when buying stuff, so I would pay for it. He would never remember again, because he mind is occupied by more important thoughts, like some math problems.
His home is in Florida, so I takes this chance to visit him. He has not changed much. He is now studying in a prestigious math program in UK, and now is at home for the winter break. It is not a surprise to me when he told me that he miscalculated the time difference so he would miss the first day of class after the winter break. Somehow, his math skills does not translate into everyday life. Typical Beeboi.
His parents came from China. Both are very successful scholars and nice people. Both are very extrovert, so it is quite a surprise that Beeboi is a total introvert. Maybe both parents have been very dominating at home, so he turned off the talking gene.
At his home there is a wall full of awards: cross-country running, academic awards, trivia competition, etc. He finished his high school ranked No. 2, and was one of the few who got out of the Florida and saw the world. He would be consistently late for exams (lost track of time), and still nailed the exams. His mind is full of trivia, and he has a habit of looking things up on wikipedia just so he could collect the littlest bits of details. He liked to solve puzzles too.
Somehow, I feel that I am one of the few people in the world who actually understand his working of his mind. His parents are definitely clueless of his amazing mind and awkward social skills that gave him a hard time in high school and the summer internship in Boston. I understand him mainly because my mind worked that way too, and it took me a while to figure out how to read people and how to talk to people. For me, it is a learned skill and a public performance most of the time, but at least I had it. I hope Beeboi can acquire these skills one day, because so many genius have been wasted by this conformity-driven society.
However, being with Beeboi is liberating, as if I was a little kid again and did not need to pretend to be a thoughtful adult. Yesterday we went to the beach, and had a great battle with the wave. We stood in the middle of the ocean, waiting for the largest wave, and throwing the whole body against the wave, again and again. We threw arms against water, we swam in dog-style, and at least I drank in some nasty water, but it was really fun. Somehow, his presence brought out the most innocent part of me.
Beeboi's favorite:
Favorite movie: Harry Potter (?)
Favorite TV: Battlestar Galactica, or Man vs. Beast
Favorite joke: Anything with sci-fi stuff. You can make stuff up by piling up sci-fi non-sense. "Look, it is electron magmatic-field that is attacking the spectrum of human beings." "My hand is stuck, it must be the counter-atomic galaxy anti-wave shakedown." See, it does not need to make sense, but it is funny.
Favorite topic: Interaction between math and economics. If you can add some stats, like instrumental variables or structural equations, the better. Good thing that I am well versed there.
Favorite award: Consistent Latecomer for Exams. Serious, his highschool gave everyone an award, and this was him.
Dream job: Being a professor.
After being on eHarmony for 4 months, sometimes it is very tempting to blog about the girls I met through the match website (so-called "my dates" series). I resist the urge here, but I want to say something general. Online dating is usually a mixed blessing, but for me it is a god-send. I think I have a tremendous ability to keep the girls I meet in real life as just friends. And once it is established, I am not going to break it. But online-dating puts me on the edge and prevents me from being lame, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. So far, I haven't had any bad dates. Twice I thought that I found the one that I would be comfortable to be with: one did not work out, and the other still pending. Regardless of the outcome, though, it has enriched my otherwise boring life greatly.
So now to Beeboi, another entry for my friends series. I think I have blogged about him before, but since this is a new blog, everything starts anew. Besides, I forget his previously assigned name.
Beeboi is a good friend because he sent me a Christmas gift. He actually put some thought into it. Two years ago when we were summer roommate, he noticed that I had a crappy backpack. He still remembers it until today and got me a nice one from Amazon. I was deeply touched by this. Beeboi was a math genius without high social skills, so I understand that doing so is not the most natural way of thinking for him. And I am glad he did.
We met two summers ago when I just moved to Boston. I shared the same apartment for two months. After that, he often came back to Boston, because he liked to attend some salsa clubs in the city. (see my commendatory on his salsa hobby in my previous entry) When he visited, he would usually stay with me, crashing on the couch. He was rather absent-minded. Sometime he would miss the last train so he had to walk all the way home. He once waked me up around 2am. He even missed an international flight due to bad planning. He would forget wallet when buying stuff, so I would pay for it. He would never remember again, because he mind is occupied by more important thoughts, like some math problems.
His home is in Florida, so I takes this chance to visit him. He has not changed much. He is now studying in a prestigious math program in UK, and now is at home for the winter break. It is not a surprise to me when he told me that he miscalculated the time difference so he would miss the first day of class after the winter break. Somehow, his math skills does not translate into everyday life. Typical Beeboi.
His parents came from China. Both are very successful scholars and nice people. Both are very extrovert, so it is quite a surprise that Beeboi is a total introvert. Maybe both parents have been very dominating at home, so he turned off the talking gene.
At his home there is a wall full of awards: cross-country running, academic awards, trivia competition, etc. He finished his high school ranked No. 2, and was one of the few who got out of the Florida and saw the world. He would be consistently late for exams (lost track of time), and still nailed the exams. His mind is full of trivia, and he has a habit of looking things up on wikipedia just so he could collect the littlest bits of details. He liked to solve puzzles too.
Somehow, I feel that I am one of the few people in the world who actually understand his working of his mind. His parents are definitely clueless of his amazing mind and awkward social skills that gave him a hard time in high school and the summer internship in Boston. I understand him mainly because my mind worked that way too, and it took me a while to figure out how to read people and how to talk to people. For me, it is a learned skill and a public performance most of the time, but at least I had it. I hope Beeboi can acquire these skills one day, because so many genius have been wasted by this conformity-driven society.
However, being with Beeboi is liberating, as if I was a little kid again and did not need to pretend to be a thoughtful adult. Yesterday we went to the beach, and had a great battle with the wave. We stood in the middle of the ocean, waiting for the largest wave, and throwing the whole body against the wave, again and again. We threw arms against water, we swam in dog-style, and at least I drank in some nasty water, but it was really fun. Somehow, his presence brought out the most innocent part of me.
Beeboi's favorite:
Favorite movie: Harry Potter (?)
Favorite TV: Battlestar Galactica, or Man vs. Beast
Favorite joke: Anything with sci-fi stuff. You can make stuff up by piling up sci-fi non-sense. "Look, it is electron magmatic-field that is attacking the spectrum of human beings." "My hand is stuck, it must be the counter-atomic galaxy anti-wave shakedown." See, it does not need to make sense, but it is funny.
Favorite topic: Interaction between math and economics. If you can add some stats, like instrumental variables or structural equations, the better. Good thing that I am well versed there.
Favorite award: Consistent Latecomer for Exams. Serious, his highschool gave everyone an award, and this was him.
Dream job: Being a professor.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Ailio
Harvard Coop bookstore, Jan 7, 2009. I am winding down after finishing a couple of b-school applications and meeting with a good friend. I am at peace, enjoying an uninspiring moment with a cup of coffee myself. Do not know why, but just love being surrounded by books, although I no longer read too many books. Also, the people in the bookstores tend to be my kind, although I do not really have definitely on what exactly is "my kind".
I am listening to the soundtrack of "Spring Awakening," a broadway show that will close in two weeks. The show really deserves a separate post on the blog. It is special to me. I played in the Chinese version of the show as my swan song, and I still miss these friends. But it is not yet the time, and maybe some day I will dig up these memories...
Ailio is my next door neighbor. We met one day because I went out for a run before realizing I did not bring the key to the main entrance. He is about 30 years old, short, with Italian heritage. He was a total introvert, he majored in computer science in college and he managed a database in a healthcare company. If you try to imagine a stereotypical technician, you got Ailio, with 95% accuracy. He is the only neighbor I really talk to, and we are quite good friends now.
If there are multiple universes, he is another version of me at the core: a loner. Of course, he is more extreme. Every time I asked him to do something together, he was always available. So I took him out for a couple of drinks on his birthday two months ago, and he insisted to do the same for me too.
He does not like to stay at home. His home is a mess, because he was remodeling the apartment. Like most Boston public projects, his endeavor seems to last forever too. He said that he wanted to rent out the place after it was done, but I was considerate enough to never ask his specific timeline.
Anyway, he liked to hang out in this nearby coffee shop, so now I regular this place too. When we just began to hang out, we talked about investment. He made a killing on some option plays then, so he was happy I guess. Quickly, as 2008 went on, investment topics subsided, and what filled vacuum was dating topics. I usually do not feel comfortable talking about dating, but with Ailio, I feel that we are equals. I forgot how it got started. Maybe some discussions about the looks of the coffee shop workers. (A quick distraction here: there is this weirdo guy called Jacks that once filled us with some background information about these girls, which spiced up out discussions a little with context. Moreover, Jack himself became our conversation topic, because he is so weird.)
Dating conversions can be fun, believe it or not. I usually threw out some eHarmony stories. Nothing substantial, just my usual silly analysis on human beings, which my regular readers are probably already tired of, but which he found intriguing. In fact, he was quite impressed, partly because he had not tried it before. He signed up for okcubit (or something like that). According to my observation, it went nowhere, because Ailio just freaked out at moments. Every time he got close to meeting the girl, he would suspect that the girl might be "crazy", or what if this what if that. He had this strange lack of self-esteem: if some girl liked him, there might be something wrong with this girl, because how could this be possible?! Well, nothing condescending, because in the parallel universe, I am just like that, only being able to pretend better.
He was quite helpful on my essays. He would read it so carefully that it made me feel that I was taking advantage of him. I asked several times to see whether I could be any help for his home remodeling, and he said "later". So I consciously overpaid our meal or coffee bill. He wouldn't care in a million years, but it just made me feel better.
We went to watch a movie together. I told him that I used to get a ticket to watch multiple movies and still used my expired ID to get student ticket. This is something I liked to talk about, because it showed a only flaw of an otherwise perfect me. Kidding. But he topped me on this one. He told me that he used to buy kid ticket to watch multiple movies. What a bad ass!
I am listening to the soundtrack of "Spring Awakening," a broadway show that will close in two weeks. The show really deserves a separate post on the blog. It is special to me. I played in the Chinese version of the show as my swan song, and I still miss these friends. But it is not yet the time, and maybe some day I will dig up these memories...
Ailio is my next door neighbor. We met one day because I went out for a run before realizing I did not bring the key to the main entrance. He is about 30 years old, short, with Italian heritage. He was a total introvert, he majored in computer science in college and he managed a database in a healthcare company. If you try to imagine a stereotypical technician, you got Ailio, with 95% accuracy. He is the only neighbor I really talk to, and we are quite good friends now.
If there are multiple universes, he is another version of me at the core: a loner. Of course, he is more extreme. Every time I asked him to do something together, he was always available. So I took him out for a couple of drinks on his birthday two months ago, and he insisted to do the same for me too.
He does not like to stay at home. His home is a mess, because he was remodeling the apartment. Like most Boston public projects, his endeavor seems to last forever too. He said that he wanted to rent out the place after it was done, but I was considerate enough to never ask his specific timeline.
Anyway, he liked to hang out in this nearby coffee shop, so now I regular this place too. When we just began to hang out, we talked about investment. He made a killing on some option plays then, so he was happy I guess. Quickly, as 2008 went on, investment topics subsided, and what filled vacuum was dating topics. I usually do not feel comfortable talking about dating, but with Ailio, I feel that we are equals. I forgot how it got started. Maybe some discussions about the looks of the coffee shop workers. (A quick distraction here: there is this weirdo guy called Jacks that once filled us with some background information about these girls, which spiced up out discussions a little with context. Moreover, Jack himself became our conversation topic, because he is so weird.)
Dating conversions can be fun, believe it or not. I usually threw out some eHarmony stories. Nothing substantial, just my usual silly analysis on human beings, which my regular readers are probably already tired of, but which he found intriguing. In fact, he was quite impressed, partly because he had not tried it before. He signed up for okcubit (or something like that). According to my observation, it went nowhere, because Ailio just freaked out at moments. Every time he got close to meeting the girl, he would suspect that the girl might be "crazy", or what if this what if that. He had this strange lack of self-esteem: if some girl liked him, there might be something wrong with this girl, because how could this be possible?! Well, nothing condescending, because in the parallel universe, I am just like that, only being able to pretend better.
He was quite helpful on my essays. He would read it so carefully that it made me feel that I was taking advantage of him. I asked several times to see whether I could be any help for his home remodeling, and he said "later". So I consciously overpaid our meal or coffee bill. He wouldn't care in a million years, but it just made me feel better.
We went to watch a movie together. I told him that I used to get a ticket to watch multiple movies and still used my expired ID to get student ticket. This is something I liked to talk about, because it showed a only flaw of an otherwise perfect me. Kidding. But he topped me on this one. He told me that he used to buy kid ticket to watch multiple movies. What a bad ass!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Revolutionary Road
If you trust my movie taste, go watch Revolutionary Road. If you want to spend a couple of hours just so you can understand me better (the decisions I made, the roads I took), you will find some answers in the movie too. Of course, you may still end up not gaining insights into my thoughts. But hey, at least you would have watched a good movie.
Seriously, this movie makes me think, and think deep. The movie has said it all, and there is little more I can add. I understand every decisions the couple in the movie made. If you put me into the movie, I would make exactly the same decisions. And this makes me sad.
I fear that I die before I have lived. I fear that my life will be as empty as it is hopeless. I fear that each day goes by like a whimper, just like every other day of every other person. This is my worst fear, and I have never seen it as clearly as I did today while watching the movie.
I always want options in my life, so that I can escape if I feel trapped. When I graduated from college, I applied for jobs while applying for graduate schools at the same time. In graduate school, I applied for law school while I was pursuing my PhD. Upon graduation, I applied jobs in academia as well as in private sector. Right now I am holding the job while applying for business school. Options, my life is always about options. Why, because I do not want to be trapped, that's all.
It is very sad that our dreams begin to evaporate as we get older, or "wiser." People convince themselves that it is the "small happiness" that fulfills their life pursuit, and no one questions the stupidity of having every conversation evolving around the house, the dog, the kids, and vacation, the exotic cultural experiences. Rich people invented them as a tool of class oppression, and everyone else followed (sounds like Marx). As if people intuitively realize the life's emptiness and attempt to fill the void with as many mundane events as possible. But in the end, they are trapped in self-deceit, and are only happy because "they are better at lying (quote from the movie)."
After watching the movie, I had this out-of-body feeling. Something in me just emerged into the air and began to observe the earth like a bird in the sky. Here is this guy in T-station, playing guitar beautifully. Is it the life he always wanted, or he was forced into that and now helplessly doing it day in and day out. The guy in front of me was playing his iPhone, probably some games. Has he already given up all the hopes in life and now just wanted to be like everyone else - normal, peaceful and uninspiring. The young couple next to me, could they imagine what awaits them? Do they know that their life will just be like the one on Revolutionary Road?
I want to believe that I can do better. If I cannot, at least I am giving it a fight. If not a fight, at least I can give it a blog. Here it is. But here is the sad part (drum beat): there is no escape. My dear friends, look at your life for a moment: Is it really what you have wanted all along, or you just have become better at lying to yourself. Just think.
Please do not be alarmed by this post. I almost think it is ironic to post such an entry. If life is in the end futile, isn't every day like a comedy? Please have a sense of humor. It is as dark as my blog will go, and that's why the description to my second blog is "Anti-Revolutionary Road."
Seriously, this movie makes me think, and think deep. The movie has said it all, and there is little more I can add. I understand every decisions the couple in the movie made. If you put me into the movie, I would make exactly the same decisions. And this makes me sad.
I fear that I die before I have lived. I fear that my life will be as empty as it is hopeless. I fear that each day goes by like a whimper, just like every other day of every other person. This is my worst fear, and I have never seen it as clearly as I did today while watching the movie.
I always want options in my life, so that I can escape if I feel trapped. When I graduated from college, I applied for jobs while applying for graduate schools at the same time. In graduate school, I applied for law school while I was pursuing my PhD. Upon graduation, I applied jobs in academia as well as in private sector. Right now I am holding the job while applying for business school. Options, my life is always about options. Why, because I do not want to be trapped, that's all.
It is very sad that our dreams begin to evaporate as we get older, or "wiser." People convince themselves that it is the "small happiness" that fulfills their life pursuit, and no one questions the stupidity of having every conversation evolving around the house, the dog, the kids, and vacation, the exotic cultural experiences. Rich people invented them as a tool of class oppression, and everyone else followed (sounds like Marx). As if people intuitively realize the life's emptiness and attempt to fill the void with as many mundane events as possible. But in the end, they are trapped in self-deceit, and are only happy because "they are better at lying (quote from the movie)."
After watching the movie, I had this out-of-body feeling. Something in me just emerged into the air and began to observe the earth like a bird in the sky. Here is this guy in T-station, playing guitar beautifully. Is it the life he always wanted, or he was forced into that and now helplessly doing it day in and day out. The guy in front of me was playing his iPhone, probably some games. Has he already given up all the hopes in life and now just wanted to be like everyone else - normal, peaceful and uninspiring. The young couple next to me, could they imagine what awaits them? Do they know that their life will just be like the one on Revolutionary Road?
I want to believe that I can do better. If I cannot, at least I am giving it a fight. If not a fight, at least I can give it a blog. Here it is. But here is the sad part (drum beat): there is no escape. My dear friends, look at your life for a moment: Is it really what you have wanted all along, or you just have become better at lying to yourself. Just think.
Please do not be alarmed by this post. I almost think it is ironic to post such an entry. If life is in the end futile, isn't every day like a comedy? Please have a sense of humor. It is as dark as my blog will go, and that's why the description to my second blog is "Anti-Revolutionary Road."
The beginning
It is the fourth day of 2009, and I am starting this second blog. It has been 8 months since I ended my last blog, and I am ready to start anew.
I have been traveling this winter break. Since I rolled off my last project around November, I have noticed something different about myself, and this is a good reason to start my second blog. What really finalizes my decision is the movie Revolutionary Road. I am going to be very dark in my next blog entry on the movie, but for now, let me take a moment to be hopeful.
Change No. 1: I no longer have too many secrets. I used to like keeping secrets, and did not like to share my decisions and my plans. As if sharing them will spoil them, and keeping them serves as a protection around my fragile self-esteem. Not any more. Now everything is out in the open, and I feel liberated. If you do not know the following facts in my life, that is not because I am hiding them, but because you have not asked the right questions. I am preparing a business school application to top 5 schools, just in case I need to ride out the economic downturn back at school. I am a little bit desperate in my personal life, so I am using eHarmony.com. I am doing below average in consulting, but I am learning more every day than others. And I have no complaint of this trade-off, because I am really happy about my personal growth in the past 18 months.
Change No. 2: I have gained new friends and reconnected with my old friends. I felt exhausted at the end of my last blog because I ran out of materials, but now I feel that I have so much to write about. Just wait for my revival of 26 alphabet-friends.
Change No. 3: I have been really happy recently, and I do not know why. Somehow I am content with who I am now, and somehow I just get better insights into people around me. Understanding other people is a great power, and it comes with great responsibility. Always remember that.
Change No. 4: Am I ISTJ Or ENFP? I have always thought that I am an ISTJ, but really? After I started working, I have noticed changes. I am enjoying very much spending time with friends and hating staying at home on weekends. I learn some great skills of thinking in big picture. Sometimes I really feel people (especially fictional characters in movies). I enjoy improvising my travel schedules and enjoy the very unexpected on the road. Either my self-inhibition imposed by my early socialization is thawing, or I just mastered the skills of the other side so well that I can pass freely in both worlds. Either way, it is a good progress.
So here I am, in a new year with a new blog. I think I have changed a lot in the past 8 months, and I hope that my friends have noticed that. I know that some day I will run out of passion (or time) again. And I will have to stop. But at least at this moment, a door is opening. Happy new year.
I have been traveling this winter break. Since I rolled off my last project around November, I have noticed something different about myself, and this is a good reason to start my second blog. What really finalizes my decision is the movie Revolutionary Road. I am going to be very dark in my next blog entry on the movie, but for now, let me take a moment to be hopeful.
Change No. 1: I no longer have too many secrets. I used to like keeping secrets, and did not like to share my decisions and my plans. As if sharing them will spoil them, and keeping them serves as a protection around my fragile self-esteem. Not any more. Now everything is out in the open, and I feel liberated. If you do not know the following facts in my life, that is not because I am hiding them, but because you have not asked the right questions. I am preparing a business school application to top 5 schools, just in case I need to ride out the economic downturn back at school. I am a little bit desperate in my personal life, so I am using eHarmony.com. I am doing below average in consulting, but I am learning more every day than others. And I have no complaint of this trade-off, because I am really happy about my personal growth in the past 18 months.
Change No. 2: I have gained new friends and reconnected with my old friends. I felt exhausted at the end of my last blog because I ran out of materials, but now I feel that I have so much to write about. Just wait for my revival of 26 alphabet-friends.
Change No. 3: I have been really happy recently, and I do not know why. Somehow I am content with who I am now, and somehow I just get better insights into people around me. Understanding other people is a great power, and it comes with great responsibility. Always remember that.
Change No. 4: Am I ISTJ Or ENFP? I have always thought that I am an ISTJ, but really? After I started working, I have noticed changes. I am enjoying very much spending time with friends and hating staying at home on weekends. I learn some great skills of thinking in big picture. Sometimes I really feel people (especially fictional characters in movies). I enjoy improvising my travel schedules and enjoy the very unexpected on the road. Either my self-inhibition imposed by my early socialization is thawing, or I just mastered the skills of the other side so well that I can pass freely in both worlds. Either way, it is a good progress.
So here I am, in a new year with a new blog. I think I have changed a lot in the past 8 months, and I hope that my friends have noticed that. I know that some day I will run out of passion (or time) again. And I will have to stop. But at least at this moment, a door is opening. Happy new year.
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