Friday, May 29, 2009
Late on Friday night...
No more Saturday run tomorrow, so I can indulge myself to stay late on this Friday night. Just caught up with an old friend back in the Bay Area and found myself really care about these friendships. If you have not caught this theme from my post this month, let me say it again: Something profound is happening to me these days. I began to care much more about people around me, in a very sincere way. Hitting a wall forces you to look around to the path you just traveled and to find that the best is already there. So nurture those friendships, because it cannot get any better even beyond that wall.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Cel
So it is time to add one more into friend series. I met Cel a while ago when both of us were at an academic conference. She was from XXX, short-hair, independent and somewhat eccentric. We were eager to skip sessions and checked out the local scenes. So we went to the harborwalk for one nice afternoon. I almost forgot about the trip until I revisited my picasa photo album.
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
Some people just passed through your life in a random walk, and you know all too well that you will never see them again, or you never care to see them again. So many things happened by chance, and why this one could be different? Well, it turns out to be the case. One day last year I was visiting another friend and saw a booklet with the name list and photos. Coming from an academic background, I jokingly promised my friend that I will recognize some faces there. Surprise, it is Cel staring out of the booklet. She did not change a bit (at least according to the photo). And while we were talking, Cel passed by the hallway, on a Saturday afternoon. I said hi, and she immediately recognized me too! After all these years! We chit-chatted, "wow, time flies,.... small world." All these standard bullshits.
A couple of weeks later, We did lunch together with 2 other friends we knew through the same conference. Then we did not contact each other for another long while. In March, I invited her for lunch, fully aware that my days in Boston was numbered. We became friends, most because both of us had experiences in social dislocation (fancy word, indeed. I mean a process of trying to fit in but never fully succeed). So we had this tacit understanding of each other, and we could interpret each other's coded language. Isn't it perfect?
At the very beginning, I know I was treading thin water. It is quite hard to have a true female friend, especially we talked a lot about personal stuff. Once she cried when she talked about something dear to her, and I did not know what to do. Was it high trust or something else? I wasn't fully comfortable, and I kept my distance with a sense of detachment. But still, I got to know her personal history, her family, issues and problems, and I was the one who often offered advice. It was more a one-way power dynamic, and seemingly I enjoyed it.
What brought me over the fence was my own girl trouble. I always like to appear to be unbeatable: life is full of successes, and I am steering my ship under tight control. Only when it comes to dating, I have no successes whatsoever that I can easily admit that I am a failure with no stigma attached. My girl trouble came sporadically, and it always humbled me. This time is no exception. When I recounted my story to Cel, I was no longer the expert who has advice on the fingertip. Rather, I was the kid who just broken the candy jar, ready to admit the mistakes and do not know how to put the broken pieces together. I was useless in relationship, and Cel and I got to the equal footing because of that. (In a weirdest way, my failure in relationship always helped me gain friendship.)
Then it is today. I felt that I culled up like a fetus, and she was the nurturing sister. Thanks Cel.
Ooops, I forgot to describe Cel to you. She is a good scholar, sincere and a good friend of me. She is a serious person. She does not tell jokes, but she seems to like mine (I probably only have one of two types of jokes anyway). She is an "N" person, meaning that she perceive the world in an intuitive way. When I have conversation with her, she likes to jumping around. I was surprised a couple of times by totally unrelated topics in a smooth conversations. She is not very organized (typical "P" personality). For a while, she was complaining about her tax, because she needed to file taxes in multiple countries. I always find this kind of complaints amusing. I told her that she should have a check list. Oh, she cook great pancakes.
It is kinda difficult to blog about Cel. I know her really well, but a lot are personal stuff, so I just cannot just throw them out here. I think I am really luck to have Cel as a great friend in Boston. A couple of weeks later, Cel, Ailio and I are going to a baseball game. Go sox! Even better, when I drive to Chicago next month, I will give Cel a ride on her way to Michigan. Sometimes life just gives you perfect deal!
With this, I am going to end this insignificant day, starting with full of promises, getting crushed in the middle, and recovering slowly and determined to engineer happiness on my own term in the end. It is still 2 and 1/2 hours before the day is over, and I think I am ready to embrace a new day, similarly full of promises.
And let me sneak this one in. Hey, it is your first day too, LD. Good luck!:-)
felt like a failure, but determined to be happy...
Today will roll into the history as another insignificant day, but I felt like crap. I am almost 32 years old, and why do I still have no idea the direction of my life? I have been proud of my free will and ability to experiment, but it has finally hit me that I am tired of this. I want to settle down and do something I like for a living. I am willing to trade my greatest ambition with the most boring life. It is amusing that this blog started with the theme as "anti-revolutionary road," but I am on the verge of giving in. Felt like a failure. The trigger was small (long story), but it brought me down like a house of cards.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.
Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).
Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.
As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Memorial Day weekend!
Had a great run this morning near Castle Island Beach. Still deep in love and determined not to let it bother me. My two pictures were selected into "Common Boston // Neighborhood Photo Project 2009." It only amuses me how I got into this in the first place. Got reconnected with two old friends today. One is from an IHS workshop back in 2004 and the other is a friend's friend that I only met once two years ago. It truly amazes me how far I have gone in my social skills. Thanks, XXX, for the great two years!
Friday, May 15, 2009
It is good
I do not know hows other people channel their personal issues, but for me, it is always positive in the end. Not so sure whether I am unconsciously pretending to be this way, just like I always pretend all my romantic fledgling has the potential to fully blossom, until it is inevitably predictable to get smacked down. Anyway, at least I am feeling quite good, and I have found ways to love and to be loved.
I recall that at the beginning of starting this blog, I was bloating the 4 personal growths. Well, change is never easy, and I sorta went back and forth on some of them, and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is quite easy to forget what you learned and revert back to what you are used to do things. In one of Seinfeld episode, George comes to the realization that he should try to do the opposite of everything, so he does, his luck changes and everything begins to go his way including getting a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees and moving out of his parents' house. I am testing a minor version of George's solution, and it seems to be working for me.
The examples are all really small and probably not worth mentioning. Essentially, I have tried to be "irrational" in making arrangements on my daily life. No more forced cost benefit analysis. If I feel like to do something, that is a good enough reason to do it. So yesterday, I was meeting friends the whole day, and today I went to volunteer for a homeless shelter and then did some gardening with my neighbor Katy. Besides, I have been keeping my chatty streaks and explored my hidden talent of being an extrovert.
I am still not sure how it will work out in the end. I was using my rationality to engineer a free-wheeling attitude. Does it sound like oxymoron? This said, however, I am not going to analyze my motivation and potential results here. I have been quite happy, despite a big personal throwback. On the other hand, the failure of my love pursuit threw me over the top and made me want to change. Besides, surprisingly, my over pursuit is not dead yet. We still have our weekly morning run plus breakfast. I am not pushing for anything, but would love to take whatever I can get. Finally, I begin to understand why facebook gives you an option of "whatever I can get," because sometimes that is the only possible option. You cannot be too pick, can you?
I recall that at the beginning of starting this blog, I was bloating the 4 personal growths. Well, change is never easy, and I sorta went back and forth on some of them, and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is quite easy to forget what you learned and revert back to what you are used to do things. In one of Seinfeld episode, George comes to the realization that he should try to do the opposite of everything, so he does, his luck changes and everything begins to go his way including getting a girlfriend, a job with the Yankees and moving out of his parents' house. I am testing a minor version of George's solution, and it seems to be working for me.
The examples are all really small and probably not worth mentioning. Essentially, I have tried to be "irrational" in making arrangements on my daily life. No more forced cost benefit analysis. If I feel like to do something, that is a good enough reason to do it. So yesterday, I was meeting friends the whole day, and today I went to volunteer for a homeless shelter and then did some gardening with my neighbor Katy. Besides, I have been keeping my chatty streaks and explored my hidden talent of being an extrovert.
I am still not sure how it will work out in the end. I was using my rationality to engineer a free-wheeling attitude. Does it sound like oxymoron? This said, however, I am not going to analyze my motivation and potential results here. I have been quite happy, despite a big personal throwback. On the other hand, the failure of my love pursuit threw me over the top and made me want to change. Besides, surprisingly, my over pursuit is not dead yet. We still have our weekly morning run plus breakfast. I am not pushing for anything, but would love to take whatever I can get. Finally, I begin to understand why facebook gives you an option of "whatever I can get," because sometimes that is the only possible option. You cannot be too pick, can you?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Be strong
Giving up is not my strong suit. It has been a unilateral crush to begin with, but it is still hard to let it go. I tend to make things more complicated than necessary, because I play out multiple scenarios in my mind and get carried away. I should have known better. So be strong.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Greater Sunday, and greatest Monday
Some days you just want to hide, and other days you just know you are on a roll and want to talk to anyone crossing the path. Today (Sunday), fortunately, is the latter. I still need to find the right equation, so I can freely switch myself from one mode to another. But for now, I am just relying on my luck and take one day at a time, hoping my happy days are yet to come. Based on the trend of three data points, I am on the rise.
But really, these two days both start normal. Sunday, I got up, and I read a couple of magazine articles. I then went to the gym, and then I took a 2 mile run in the warm Boston spring. And then I met Ailio (who returned from Italy the previous day) in KFC, and met my landlord in the coffee shop and then a distant friend on top of the hub. I came back and met Ailio again for dinner, when he talked about his adventure in Cicely. I was quite happy the whole day, and felt connected to the world in a different way. I guess that I really love to be with people, and love talking.
Today, I was even more chatty, the chattiest in my whole life. If I have to name my happiest days in my life, this will be one of them. I got up, and went to the gym (did you realize that I went to gym every day?!), and then I went to a police impounded car auction. Yes, you are hearing it right, an impounded car auction. I did not have time to look at cars carefully, but jumped into one of the auction and got a Nissan 1998 Altima (120K miles) for 900 dollars. The car had some problems, so it is sitting in a mechanic's garage, and I am waiting for the verdict tomorrow. Hopefully it is not a lemon.
But strangely, as the day went on, owning a car lost its significance, and I could care less whether it was a good deal or bad deal. The whole experience was a blast. Both people bidding on the cars are either dealers or underclass folks. After the bidding was over, dealers are all gone (maybe they had some plans later), but all the other folks were scrabbling to make the cars start. I started with talking a couple of folks next to me, and then my chatting bug got me. I was circling around the parking lot, and tried to make connections with everyone (mostly blacks). Since buying a car is such a stressful event (not mentioning police auction with cars of unknown quality), everyone wanted to talk to release stress.
Perfect time to practice my consulting skills (active listening, smile, sympathy, eye contact, some street-smart expressions). Well, I am kidding about practice my consulting skills in the situation, but I do realize that those skills are important in human interactions, and you can use them sincerely. (But to be honest with you, since those people come from underclass, they probably won't realize if I manipulate the conversation). And I would not be able to make such talks without my consulting training. I was making smart talks with the mechanic to establish some good-natured trust (so he would not screw me). I got some lunch for the car key guys so he took out my after-market alarm for free.
I was almost ecstatic when I left the scene. Perfect timing, since I had a doctor appointment for annual check-up. On the way there, I chatted with a flower seller in the middle of an express way (not a good day for him, after the big mother's day bonanza). I saw a girl fell off her bike, and went forward to fix her bike. While fixing the bike, I chatted a lot. Not surprisingly, I was slightly late for the appointment. I further chatted with the nurse and with the doctor, fully aware that I had not been that chatty for ..... forever.
Got back home, and fixed my bike a bit. Went to microcenter, and couldn't help but chat with the guy in front of me. My opening line "what kind computer is it?" "What do you use it for?" Turned out he is a rap musician. "Have you watched Hustle & Flow?" Talking is just too easy for me today.
My suspicion is that my chattiness would not last for long. After a good night sleep, I will become the same old introverted me again. But somehow, I have a hope that I might be born as extrovert, and I am just discovering my hidden talent. Well, I will see.
Or maybe these days I just have time to reflect and think. I am not completely satisfied with my own life, or it is time to spice it up with different variations of me. After my fair share of disappointments, I am yet again free to experiment. But in the end, I just want to be a better person. Seriously.
But really, these two days both start normal. Sunday, I got up, and I read a couple of magazine articles. I then went to the gym, and then I took a 2 mile run in the warm Boston spring. And then I met Ailio (who returned from Italy the previous day) in KFC, and met my landlord in the coffee shop and then a distant friend on top of the hub. I came back and met Ailio again for dinner, when he talked about his adventure in Cicely. I was quite happy the whole day, and felt connected to the world in a different way. I guess that I really love to be with people, and love talking.
Today, I was even more chatty, the chattiest in my whole life. If I have to name my happiest days in my life, this will be one of them. I got up, and went to the gym (did you realize that I went to gym every day?!), and then I went to a police impounded car auction. Yes, you are hearing it right, an impounded car auction. I did not have time to look at cars carefully, but jumped into one of the auction and got a Nissan 1998 Altima (120K miles) for 900 dollars. The car had some problems, so it is sitting in a mechanic's garage, and I am waiting for the verdict tomorrow. Hopefully it is not a lemon.
But strangely, as the day went on, owning a car lost its significance, and I could care less whether it was a good deal or bad deal. The whole experience was a blast. Both people bidding on the cars are either dealers or underclass folks. After the bidding was over, dealers are all gone (maybe they had some plans later), but all the other folks were scrabbling to make the cars start. I started with talking a couple of folks next to me, and then my chatting bug got me. I was circling around the parking lot, and tried to make connections with everyone (mostly blacks). Since buying a car is such a stressful event (not mentioning police auction with cars of unknown quality), everyone wanted to talk to release stress.
Perfect time to practice my consulting skills (active listening, smile, sympathy, eye contact, some street-smart expressions). Well, I am kidding about practice my consulting skills in the situation, but I do realize that those skills are important in human interactions, and you can use them sincerely. (But to be honest with you, since those people come from underclass, they probably won't realize if I manipulate the conversation). And I would not be able to make such talks without my consulting training. I was making smart talks with the mechanic to establish some good-natured trust (so he would not screw me). I got some lunch for the car key guys so he took out my after-market alarm for free.
I was almost ecstatic when I left the scene. Perfect timing, since I had a doctor appointment for annual check-up. On the way there, I chatted with a flower seller in the middle of an express way (not a good day for him, after the big mother's day bonanza). I saw a girl fell off her bike, and went forward to fix her bike. While fixing the bike, I chatted a lot. Not surprisingly, I was slightly late for the appointment. I further chatted with the nurse and with the doctor, fully aware that I had not been that chatty for ..... forever.
Got back home, and fixed my bike a bit. Went to microcenter, and couldn't help but chat with the guy in front of me. My opening line "what kind computer is it?" "What do you use it for?" Turned out he is a rap musician. "Have you watched Hustle & Flow?" Talking is just too easy for me today.
My suspicion is that my chattiness would not last for long. After a good night sleep, I will become the same old introverted me again. But somehow, I have a hope that I might be born as extrovert, and I am just discovering my hidden talent. Well, I will see.
Or maybe these days I just have time to reflect and think. I am not completely satisfied with my own life, or it is time to spice it up with different variations of me. After my fair share of disappointments, I am yet again free to experiment. But in the end, I just want to be a better person. Seriously.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Great Saturday
Here is my photography debut!
Some quite update:
1). I was taking photos in South Boston today. It always happens to me like that: the moment I decides to leave a city, all of a sudden there are thousands of reasons for me not to leave it behind. Or maybe there is only one reason. If you have to ask why, I will say it is because of the beauty of south Boston.
2). I went to a charity walk today: March of Dimes. I can care less about the cause, because the victims are invisible to me. But hey, I have got this cool t-shirts with my baby picture on it (well, to be precise, it is a picture of a 7-year-old me).
3). One of my good friends just got married yesterday in Cambridge city hall. They will hold another wedding in Chicago, which I will definitely attend, in August. Congratulation!
4). I am going to run in the morning in the coming weeks!
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