felt like a failure, but determined to be happy...

Today will roll into the history as another insignificant day, but I felt like crap. I am almost 32 years old, and why do I still have no idea the direction of my life? I have been proud of my free will and ability to experiment, but it has finally hit me that I am tired of this. I want to settle down and do something I like for a living. I am willing to trade my greatest ambition with the most boring life. It is amusing that this blog started with the theme as "anti-revolutionary road," but I am on the verge of giving in. Felt like a failure. The trigger was small (long story), but it brought me down like a house of cards.

Loneliness caught up with me too. Whether I want to admit it or not, it is a beast always ready to swallow me alive and as a whole. This morning I was almost in a panic mode, dialing my friends' phone numbers one after another, trying to get the slightest human touch to ease my panic breakdown. Unfortunately, most people were on memorial weekend and did not pick up. Well, that is to be expected. I was too silly to expect any more than that.

Finally, Cel (fake name of course) called back. (I am going to blog about Cel in my next friend series blog). She asked whether I had lunch, saying that she was making pancakes. I told her that I just had some Thai food, but I would come anyway. I was desperate for a friend. I got to her apartment, and I was ready to pour my heart. I told her that I felt so lonely. This was not easy for me to say, and I had to stop for a second before the power of word "loneliness" rushed through the levee and released my tears. I almost cried, but I did not. Now I am typing this blog entry at home alone, I finally feel safe to shed my tears. My second time crying while writing a blog (first time when I was writing the entry about my grandpa).

Sometimes I internalized my feelings too much, so it was quite a relief to just pour it out. It is like vomiting: it looks ugly, but it could do more damage if left inside. Cel was trying to help, but the thing is, I know the rational argument all too well, and the real problem is to use my left brain to conform my right brain. I know how to do it, and the only success ingredient needed is time. I know it all too well. I needed a company, and Cel was there. That's all it matters. I am not sure whether Cel knew how much it meant to me just by being there.

As the day went on, my mood turned a bit. Now I think about it, I haven't experienced such a breakdown for quite sometime. It is overdue, and I am lucky to have friends to catch me before I free-fall into oblivion.